Quote-o-rama:
Scrubs

"...But I'm afraid you have me confused with someone who gives a crap. And
 it's ok, you don't need to be embarrassed. Turns out it happens all the
 time. For instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his
 deathbed."
-Cox

Elliot: Carla, if your wedding ceremony's gonna be in Spanish, then how
	will I know you're officially married?
Carla: Cause all my cousins will throw tortillas in the air and fire their
	guns.
Elliot: Really? God, I wish I was ethnic!

"I'm no better than her lying ex-boyfriend. I paid a hobo to fake a heart
 attack."
						-JD

"I don't really have one ready, but I suppose I could riff a list of
 things I care as little about as our last week together. Let's
 see: low-carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention,
 Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products, high definition TV, the Bush
 daughters, wireless hot spots, The O. C., the U.N., recycling, getting
 Punk'd, Danny Gans; the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys, Jeff the Wiggle
 that sleeps a lot, the Yankees payroll, the red states, the blue states,
 every hybrid car, every talk show host, everything on the planet,
 everything in the solar system, and everything that exists, past, present
 and future in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions. Oh, and Hugh
 Jackman." 
						-Cox

Cox: You are, in fact, a perfectly healthy 26-year-old doctor who keeps
	whining about how horrible his father was.
J.D.: Well, he did some considerable emotional damage, so...
Cox: Every one of our parents does considerable emotional damage, and from
	what I've heard, it just might be the best part of being a 
	parent. Now, if come guy ever does put a ring on your finger and
	you're lucky enough to pop out a youngster I'm sure you'll
	understand. But for now, believe me when I tell you I wouldn't
	care if this was the first time you ever met your daddy. Because,
	in reality... well, he could have done a much, much worse job.

"You know what a boss is? For you, that would be the seventeen year old
who tells you to clean out the grease trap after you've filled all the
ketchups."
						-Cox

"Either this kid has a lightbulb up his butt or his colon has a great
 idea."
						-Cox

Cox: Each and every one of you is going to kill a patient. At some point
	during your residency you will screw up, they will die and it 
	will be burned into your conscience forever. Hell, take pee-pants 
	here.
Doug: Pee-pants...
Cox: He might just go ahead and get himself a good, clean kill this
	morning seeings as his patient Ms. Samson is in DKA and he hasn't 
	been tracking her phosphate level, her phosphate level, her 
	phosphate level.
JD: Doug! Stop writing and go!
Cox: That young man has killed so many patients, I'm starting to think he
	just might be a governmet operative. The point is, the harder you 
	study, the longer you might be able to hold off that first kill. 
	Other than that, I guess cross your fingers and hope that the guy 
	that you murder is a jackass with no family. Great to see you 
	kids, all the best!
JD: Thank you, thank you Doctor Cox... Okay you guys, pizza and punch in
	the penthouse. Doug! Wrong patient, one bed over.

"Don't feel weird because you're threatened by my gift; many are."
					-JD

Cox: Let's break down the kid's support system, shall we? He has me, an
	emotionally-crippled narcissist; and, he's got you, an
	emotionally-crippled narcissist who's soaking in a tub which by 
	now has to be mostly your own urine.
Dan: I believe the ratio has shifted that way, yes.
Cox: And I have got to believe that the two of us, together - together,
	Dan.... we can make it at least half-way to one legitimate adult.

"I think the second you stop fighting it, time really is on your side,
 and you can go on being who you are."
					-JD

"What do you say we head into the bathroom of this place and lower the
 health code rating from an A to a B?"
					-Cox

Elliot: What are you going to do, hide from him all day and then call him
	"Ginger"?
Cox: No. It's Monday, which of course means it's Ethnic Day, so I'll
	be going with Rosalita, and besides, I have a plan.
Elliot: Which is?
Cox: Yeah, unfortunately, the first part of the plan is not to share
	it with people who annoy me. Want to hear the second part?
Elliot: Sure.
Cox: I can't. My hands are tied by the first part.

Cox: Yeah, Scarlet, you're Chief Resident too.
JD: Ehh - what now?
Cox: Well I figured with her being ridiculously booksmart to the point of
	where she has almost no interpersonal skills, and you being warm 
	and cuddley as an un-potty-trained Labra-doodle, and about as 
	useful in high-stress medical situations as an un-potty-trained 
	Labra-doodle, together the two of you make one barely-passable 
	doctor... slash Labra-doodle.

"You lost me at hello."
					-Cox

"I know what a restraining order is. You act like I've never dated."
					-Harvey Corman

Kelso: We have some very exciting news.
Cox: Don't tell me. You and sweaty Teddy here are gonna finally have that
	comittment ceremony that you've been dreaming about?
Kelso: Perry, even if I went that way and believe me there were nights in
	the service that that didn't sound so farfetched, Ted is hardly 
	my type.
Ted: I beg to differ, I've seen Enid.
Kelso: What?!
Ted: Nothing.

Molly: Perry! You know I have an cousin named Perry. But actually not,
	he's not my cousin and his name isn't Perry, it's Jeff.
Cox: That's so funny, I have an uncle named stop bothering me.

"I think the easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly."
					-JD

Dr. Cox: I'm on a scavanger hunt and I need to find a black-haired,
	soulless bottom-feeder. Oh, hi Nina.
Nina: How ironic, because what I need is a burned-out, permed-up doctor
	with a God complex and a drinking problem.
J.D: (Don't listen to her, most guys would kill for those curls.)
Dr. Cox: Straighten up there newbie and I mean that in every sense of the
	word.

Jordan: Have a good day. Try not to torture anyone so much that they take
	their own lives.
Cox: I'll try. You know, you're not looking as processed and overly
	medicated as usual.
Jordan: That is so sweet!

JD: So Mrs. Carter, it turns out your fever is just a reaction to the 
	anesthetic we gave you during your cataract surgury. I'm sending 
	you home.
Mrs. Carter: Can I drive my Trans-Am?
JD: That's not up to me Mrs. Carter, its up to the police and the owner of 
	those horses you killed.
Mrs. Carter: They were everywhere.
JD: You were on a race track Mrs. Carter.

"God help me Sluggo, if you get any more buff I'll be absolutely sure
 you're gay."
					-Cox

Jordan: Thanks again for holding the door for me back there.
Cox: In my defense, I didn't know you were behind me because I didn't hear
	anyone telling me what a horrible person I am.

"The boy's got no biscuits."
					-Nurse Roberts

"Here at Sacred heart, I like to think that our patients choose our 
 hospital not only because I leak vicious rumors about competing hospitals
 to the press, but also because when they see one of our doctors they 
 think '*that's* a professional.'"
					-Kelso

"I'm marrying *this*. *This* is going to be my husband."
					-Carla

"That sounded straighter in my head."
					-JD

"By the way, Carla, I know an *amazing* Journey cover band, you should get
 them to play at your reception."
					-JD

JD: See, now you're just embarrassing yourself. Pick someone else to
	annoy!
Janitor: I don't pick them. They pick me.

"Hey look Gandhi, now just because you broke out your little Fisher Price
 surgery set and somehow managed to *not* kill somebody for once doesn't
 mean you're queen of the world."
					-Dr. Cox

"I know this is tough for you, what with you being psychotic and all..."
					-JD

"Look, I think putting one in the win column every now and then is what
 gives us the juice to keep us plugging along in games that we know deep
 down that we're not going to win. And that's why I locked in so intensely
 with that patient. 'Cause opportunities, they, God, they come along so
 rarely in this place. And when they do, you just can't let them slip
 through your fingers, you cannot."
					-Dr. Cox

"When I was in high school I went to Europe for a month and I forgot to
 take my birth control pills. So I took like thirty the day I got home."
					-Elliot

Carla: hey, you never told me what you really think of Turk.
Cox: He is a complete tool... but I suppose you could do a lot worse.

Elliot: Our generation has the exact same morals and values as yours.
Carla: Come on Elliot. Let's go find ourselves a manwhore.

"Hello, and welcome to McSurgeons, can I take your order?"
					-Cox

[the Janitor is bugging them again.]
Turk: Why is he doing that?
JD: I think he gets bored.

"...and gosh, you know me, I'm a giver..."
					-Dr. Cox

"You know why I wanted that to be you in _The Fugitive_? Because it would
 mean you used to be a guy who had dreams and ambitions. And even though
 things didn't work out the way you'd hoped, at least it would explain why
 you are the way you are, and make you human."
					-JD

Psychiatrist: You mean to tell me that you actually took the advice of 
	another human being?
Dr. Cox: Yup.   
Psychiatrist: Then by God, Perry, keep that person around you for as long
	as possible. Because, that person is a genius.
[cut to a scene of JD alone in an elevator]
JD: [singing and dancing] EVERYBODY LOVES KUNG FU FIGHTING! TA DA DA DA
	DA DA TA DA!

"You see Dr. Wen in there? He's explaining to that family that something
 went wrong, and that patient died. He's gonna tell them what happened,
 he's gonna say he's sorry - and then he's going back to work. Do you
 think anybody else in that room's going back to work today? That is why
 we distance ourselves; that's why we make jokes. We don't do it because
 it's fun. We do it so we can get by. And... sometimes because it's fun.
 But mostly it's the getting by thing."
					-Dr. Cox

"Sweetheart, I think you're confusing 'interesting' with 'boring.'"
					-Dr. Kelso

JD: Dr. Cox...
Dr. Cox: Newbie, if the next two words out of your mouth aren't 'See ya!'
	then the third word will be 'Oh my god! My crotch! You've punched 
	me in my crotch!'
JD: See ya!

"I don't know if you're sucking up to me or making a pass at me."
					-Cox

"Don't you play with me, Intercom Lady, I will find you."
					-Turk

Elliot: C'mon peeps, let's go kick some sick patient ass!
[JD turns to Turk and Carla.]
JD: And that my friends is one nerdy honky.
[Turk to Carla.]
Turk: That's two.

Turk: I don't disdain you! It's quite the opposite. I *dain* you. Yeah. I
	think if you get to know me better you might just dain me too.
Cox: That's interesting. Of course it's gibberish, but it's interesting
	nonetheless.

"Come on, I'm simply posing so your boyfriend can get a picture of me for
 his 'people who make me feel like a little girl' scrapbook."
					-Cox

Turk: So did you break up with her?
JD: I was going to last night, but then I looked in her eyes and I 
	realized how rare it is to meet someone who is actually willing to 
	have sex with me.

"Oh, and by the way, your new nickname is Pepe LeFrits."
					-Janitor

"I mean, look, I'd still be with my old shrink if I hadn't cut across the
 park the day of the Renaissance fair and realized that the man I tell my
 innermost secrets to likes to, likes to put on a big giant beard and make
 pretend that he's a blacksmith."
					-Cox

"You know I shacked up with a man before I was married too. His name was
 Jesus."
					-Nurse Roberts

"Carla, cut the guy some slack. Surgery is *not* as easy as it looks. I
 mean, he's gotta make the incision, cut the wrong artery, panic, collapse
 into a ball of tears in the corner, and after *all* that he's gotta go
 wash up, check the board and find out who he'll be killing after lunch.
 It's... a grind."
					-Cox

Cox: Newbie! Did I just walk in on you mocking an innocent patient?
JD: Again.
Cox: I've never felt closer to you.

"I'm always happy when someone wins a battle, because around here you get 
 your fair share of disappointment. I guess in the end you have to fight 
 for things that really matter, like pride in your work, or friendship... 
 And sometimes all you can do is grit your teeth and tell the truth."
					-JD

Elliot: The closest I've ever come to breaking the law was in sixth grade
	when Alex Peterson sold us his mom's Virginia Slims out of his 
	guest house.
Carla: Wow, was he a Blood or a Crip?
Elliot: He was Lutheran.

JD: You're an actor!
Janitor: You're a fireman! What are we doing?

Cox: Do you think that my son will like me?
Carla: Oh god no.

"You'd better go ahead and enjoy this while you can, Bob, because if your
 evil genie goes ahead and grants your wish and I'm gone forever then the
 only one your going to be able to contend with around here is yourself, 
 and when you really get to know THAT person, oh dear God, you'll scream 
 so loud that Satan will want to tear up that contract he made with you at
 birth just so he can get some sleep."
					-Cox

"Girl, please, if you met Jesus Hisself you'd be trying to tell him where
to park his donkey."
					-Nurse Roberts

[JD returns from the jukebox. "Don't Stop Believing" is playing.]
Turk: You know, I'm actually starting to like Journey.
JD: Well then you'll be very pleased with the next 23 songs.

"Maybe the dirty little secret of sex is that is isn't so dirty after all."
					-JD

JD: Come on, I've never heard a woman make sounds like that.
Elliot: Oh, I'm sure you haven't.
Turk: See, it's funny because you've never really satisfied a woman!
JD: Well, you might wanna double-check with your mom!

"Look, I was planning on coming here and telling you that you'll always
 come first. But the truth is, that's not a promise I can keep. But the
 one thing I can guarantee is that when it's my decidion I'll always
 choose you. And if that's not enough, I understand."
					-Elliot

"They hate you Bob. They hate from the bottom of your hooves to the top of
 your pitchfork. They hate you. By God, they hate you good."
					-Dr. Cox

[to a black family] 
JD: Let me ask you something: who's the cool doc you call when you wanna
	save your husband, Paul? JD!
[silence]
JD: ...It's from _Shaft_? How could you guys not get that?
Wife: Ye-ah, it's our _Citizen Kane_.

Elliot: Dr. Cox, does this shade of red make me look like a clown?
Cox: No, Barbie, no. It makes you look like a prostitute who caters
        exclusively _to_ clowns.
Elliot: Oh, I'm sorry, that was my mistake. I keep forgetting you're a  
        horrible, horrible person.

Murphy: Hey Dr. Kelso, none of my patients died today!
Kelso: Really? Mr. Ferguson's corpse begs to differ!  

"She was amazing. But unfortunately, in medicine, even if you do 
 everything perfectly, there are still no guarantees."
					-JD

Carla: Who left this urine here?
Cox: [singing] Someone's-got-a-secret-admirer...

Cox: Hey Studley! Now when you were out rooting through the dumpster, you
	didn't stumble across your testicles, did yah?
Janitor: Hey, you know that long line of trembling peons that are so 
	afraid of you? Well, I'm not in that line.
Cox: No, you're not.
Janitor: No. I'm not in anybody's line.

"Okay - think of what little patience I have as, oh I don't know, your    
 virginity. You always thought it would be there, until that night Junior
 Year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal
 Kevin, who just wanted to be friends, well he dropped by and he brought a
 copy of "About Last Night" and a four-pack of Bartels & James and 
 wohohoo, it was gone forever - just like my patience is now."
					-Dr. Cox

"What do I know about good relationships? Yesterday I had funeral sex."  
					-JD

"You know, I love how kids of divorce swear they have the market cornered
 on family dysfunction."
					-Turk

"Maybe you didn't understand me there, Violet. I don't want you leaving
 her side, ever if someone thinks they saw Justin Timberlake downstairs."
					-Dr. Cox

Dr. Kelso: Hey Ace, your TTP patient coded, I pronounced it.
JD: He died?
Dr. Kelso: I certainly hope so otherwise that autopsy is going to be a 
	bitch!

JD: Dr. Kelso! The doc here has been telling me that you have some great 
	stories. I wouldn't mind hearing one sometime.
Dr. Kelso: Oh what the hell. Back in '68 I don't like you. The end.

"I doubt sex for you is about making babies, because you'd probably just 
 eat them anyway."
					-Elliot, to Jordan

Dr. Cox: Oh, gosh, Shannon, thank you so much for clarifying my point by
	repeating it word for word. And now, in a reciprocal gesture. Can 
	I be included in the planning of your coming out party?
JD: Is that a gay joke?
Dr. Cox: No, it's a cotillion joke. My God, Newbie, it's been two 
	furiously frustrating years. How is it possible that you still 
	don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays! I like the 
	gays - I like their music, I like their sense of style, I 
	especially like what they've done with Halloween - but our thing 
	is that you are a little girl.

JD: I'm having such a gay day.
Carla: Day?  

"It's always nice when someone from Carla's family comes to town, mostly
 because she cleans our apartment."
                                        -JD

Carla: Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?
Turk: Man, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer?!
 
"Oh, I'd been told you left. it made me happy."
                                        -Dr. Cox

Carla: Do you feel confident about this, Ted?
Ted: I'm not sure, I don't know what confidence feels like.
                                        
"Jordan, come on, we agreed that we would wait until he was quite a bit
 older before we started systematically ruining his life."
                                        -Dr. Cox
                                        
Turk: Dude, what's the rule on white boys dancing in public?
JD: [sighs] Not unless you're gay.

"And I know, I know, here I'm supposed to be Dr. Give-A-Crap, but you want
 to know the gods-honest truth? And this is a fact: you are what you eat  
 and you *clearly* went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn't you?"
                                        -Dr. Cox
                                        
Dr. Cox: Ted! I might just rip that tie off your next and jam it down your
        esophagus.
Ted: I think you proved at Nurse Roberts' above-ground pool party that
        that doesn't solve anything.
Dr. Kelso: Damnit Perry, you can't just go around brow-beating nutjobs and
        bullying fatties!

"Ah, to be young and in shorts."        
                                        -Janitor
                                        
"You're acting whiter than that time we saw Pat Benetar at Starbucks."
                                        -Turk

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