Quote-o-rama:
Angel
"Wait a minute, I wasn't *in* Italy in the 50's." -Angel Angel: You have to trust me. Wesley: I can't. Not anymore. "I'm a liaison. I liase." -Eve Angel: Tendrils tendrils? Lorne: Metaphor tendrils. "Man, he *is* well-dressed." -Angel Marcus: It's business, boys. Not a Batcave. [Marcus exits.] Lorne: Tell you what, I *still* like him better than Eve. Marcus: So, I hear you're living in a tree now. Drognan: The tree is the entrance to the Deeper Well. I live in a cave. It's... really quite pleasant. Marcus: I'm sure it's a peach. "(The extra ingredient is otter!)" -Harmony "You can call me... Doyle." -Lindsey [Lorne punches Eve.] "Oh, oh, sorry, that was a knucklebuster. I'm Jake LaMotta over here, it's pathetic. Here's the thing, Eve, you're going to sing for me, and I'm gonna read you right now. And here's one more thing--Winifred Burkle once told me after a sinful amount of Chinese food and in lieu of absolutely nothing, 'I think a lot of people would choose to be green, your shade, if they had the choice.' If I hear one note, one quarter note that tells me you had any involvement, these two won't even have time to kill you. Oh, and anything by Diane Warren will also result in your death. Oh, except 'Rhythm of the Night.'" -Lorne "Rules can be broken. All you have to do is push hard enough." -Angel Gunn: I didn't come for a favor. We can make a deal. the Conduit: Deals are for the devil. Gunn: You want someone else, a life for hers,you'll get it. You can have mine. the Conduit: I already do. "There's a hole in the world. Feels like we ought to have known." -Spike Spike: It's bollocks, Angel. It's your brand of bollocks, from first to last. Angel: You can't ever see the big picture. You can't see any picture. Spike: I am talking about something primal. Like savagery, brutal animal instinct. Angel: And that wins out every time with you. You know, the human race has evolved, Spike. Spike: Oh, into a bunch of namby-pamby self-analyzing wankers who could never hope to - Angel: We're bigger, we're smarter, plus there's a thing called teamwork, not to mention the superstitious terror of your pure aggressiveness. Spike: You just want it to be the way you want it to be. Angel: It's not about what I want. [Wesley enters the room.] Wesley: Sorry. Is there something we should all be discussing? Angel: No. Wesley: It just sounds a little serious. Angel: It was mostly theoretical. Spike: We were just working out... look, if cavemen and astronauts got into a fight, who would win? Wesley: Huh. You've been yelling at each other for 40 minutes about this. [pause.] Wesley: Do the astronauts have weapons? Spike and Angel: No. "No need to thank me, just helping the helpless." -Spike "Thank you, Bear." -Fred [to Wesley] "You do what you have to do to protect the people around you. You do what you know is right, regardless of the cost. Now I never really understood that, but you're the guy that makes the hard decisions. Even if you have to make them alone." -Angel Girl: Wait, who are you? Spike: I'm the hero. "We're trying to kill it, not pin it!" -Angel "Well, look who's come to call: Crockett and Tubbs." -Spike Roger: You know what that vampire is and what he's done? And you follow him anyway? Wesley: Maybe I know what I'm doing. Why can't you trust that? Roger: You disgrace yourself with the Council. You join forces with him, and you have the nerve to ask me why I can't trust you! Spike: Oh, uh, Eve's stuck in the elevator. Gunn: So tell maintenance. Spike: Right. So where the bloody hell is maintenance? ...Oh, to be honest I don't even care. "I really hate this place." -Angel "He's a puppet. he always has been. To the Powers That Be, to Wolfram and Hart. Now, he's ours." -Roger Roger: Entertainment division? Well, I can see how that would be very useful in the fight against evil. Gunn: You'd be amazed at how many horrible movies we've stopped. Angel: What happened? Spike: I can explain. Apparently, when Percy here [points to Wesley] was younger, he used to be known as "Head Boy"! Angel: Yeah. I already knew that. Spike: Right. I have nothing else to report. "You are one strange man, senor Angel." -Numero Cinquo "It's like an MC Escher picture with wires and flesh instead of geese." -Fred Roger: In my days we fought werewolves, vampires, the occasional swampman, and now we have 'proto-human, cybernetic chain fighters.' Wesley: Yes, well, times are more complicated. "If I had known this would be a seminar, I would have worn my nametag." -Wesley "Sex with robots is more common than people think." -Spike [signing a document] Angel: Is that blood? Gunn: Yeah, but it's ok. It's yours. "Surely you remember our great victory over the Devil's Robot!" -Numero Cinquo Eve: So you're not backing out. Gunn: You don't know me, or else you wouldn't have asked that question. Lorne: Harmonica! Harmony: Lorney Toons! "Everybody thinks you suck." -Harmony Angel: Did you hear what happened to me last night? Gunn: You got lucky? "You always open both doors when you enter a room?" -Eve "OK Atlas, how about a shrug?" -Lorne "The defense submits it has learned how to swim." -Gunn Wesley: Your run-on sentences have gotten a lot less pointless. Fred: That's so sweet. And a tad condescending. "So, what, you're like a frankenstein?" "You want to give us your evil law firm?" -Gunn "There's no way this is going to go well." -Angel "Has Cordy been a bad, bad girl?" -Lorne "Why do you hate me so much?" -Jasmine "The final score can't be rigged." -Gunn "Although, a temple *would* be nice." -Jasmine "You scared the cream cheese out of me." "Something about... strangling poultry." -Wesley "I believe. I just don't worry about it anymore." -Magic Bullet salesman "No, I'm talking to Angel. I hope he can forgive me." -Fred "See how my life sucks?" -Gwen "Like I said when I signed up: feels good to be doing good." -Gunn "Gosh, I love a story with scope." -Skip "Do you have *any* idea what you've done?" -Jasmine "Pain has been the one constant in your life, the one thing that has never abandoned you." -Jasmine "Everything happens for a reason." -Cordelius "Come on, Charlie. Let me show you around the cholocate factory." -Lilah Connor: Where are those people? Jasmine: I ate them. Connor: Cool. "All your talk about saving the world. Well, now someone's gone and done it." -Connor Angel: Because you're *so* clever. Cordelius: On a scale of you to me? Tons. "You can't outrun my love, it has wings made of radio." -Jasmine "We loved her first!" -the clicky demon "I will free them from the loneliness, from the empty horror of their lives." -Jasmine Wesley: You were mortal enemies. Why should you care what happened to her? Angel: Because you did. "There's nowhere to run dear; my love is all around you." -Jasmine "He has to be destroyed, and I'm the destroyer." -Connor "We'll never know now, will we?" -Lilah "Everything's been so _Clash of the Titans_ around here." -Cordelius "I bet he doesn't even have a master plan. He's probably making it up as he goes along." -Angel "It's not always about holding hands." -Wesley "Listen, I spent most of this year trapped in what I can only describe as a turgid supernatural soap opera." -Gunn "That body isn't going to dismember itself." -Lilah Faith: Can I just ask: what the hell are you people doing? Wesley: Leading complicated lives, obviously. "I can't *believe* we didn't crush you people years ago." -Lilah "Evil doesn't have to mean sloppy." -Angelus "The upside of being in it for yourself, Wes? You always end up on the winning team." -Lilah "Is this what it feels like? Being a champion?" -Conner "Who boobytrapped a dead end?! That's just not right." -Cordelia Gunn: Do I look Russian to you? Cordelia: Black Russian! Angel: That's a drink. Cordelia: Says the head spy! "You like shoes. And donuts. And you're very brave." -Connor "I know you've been out of the loop for a while, but I'm still evil. I don't do errands unless they're evil errands." -Lilah "I would have followed you into hell if you would have let me." -Justine "I'll tell you what. Since you were raised in a hell dimension by a psychopath, and since that happens to be a topic I know a little something about, we'll just let that slide." -Lorne "You're not really my enemy. You're in my home, and I'm going to kick your ass, but you were never the point." -Sahjhan "Hate gets a bad rap." -Justine "Read any good prophecies recently?" -Sahjhan Conner: I tried to kill your friend. Angel: yeah, well, she's used to it. "OK, so he survived an unspeakable hell dimension - who hasn't?" -Fred "Now this is more like it." -Sahjhan "Well, aren't you just sneaky with the subtext." -Lorne "It's pretty freaky the first time you see your name in a true prophecy, all carved in blood on an official scroll." -Sahjhan "You father was right, we ate the wrong son!" -Lorne's mother "Whole universe could go kerplooie. Bad for me, bad for America." -Sahjhan "You call that a fight? let me show you how we used to do it." -Sahjhan Angel: I tell you what. You take me to the Quar-Toth world, help me find my son, we'll call it even. Sahjhan: Really? You and me, buddy cops, summer release? We iron out our wacky differences and bond? I don't think so. "Don't get me wrong. I *like* trouble. But I hate chaos." -the girl in the white room "I can't tell you how much I miss doing that." -Sahjhan "Holtz? Great guy. Not overly tall." -Wesley Justine: I imagine it's easier to hate Holtz than yourself. Wesley: There's enough hate to go around for him and me. "I don't want anyone to get hurt, your soldiers or mine." -Wesley "You love her that much? Start a website." -Angel "I don't dance, I echo." -the dancer Angel: I'm in private security. Melissa: And you're walking around in underground garages telling people this because...? "You know, I was cool before I met y'all." -Gunn Buffy: Angel? You okay? Angel: I feel weird. Buffy: I know. I do, too. I mean, I only came to see you so I could tell you face to face not to see me face to face anymore. And I know there's a fly in that logic ointment somewhere, but the next thing I knew, we were being attacked by this Mutant Ninja Demon Thing, and we're on the floor on top of each other, and it's just really confusing being around you. Angel: No, I meant I felt weird from the demon's blood. It's powerful. Buffy: O-kay. Let's just rewind Buffy's little outburst and pretend it never happened. "I got the best one a very small amount of money could buy." -Gunn Doyle: [reading a cue-card] Our rats are low... Cordelia: RATES! Doyle: It says rats. "If we live through this, trade in the DVD players and get a life." -Cordelia "I'm Files and Records. It's my job." -Files and Records Kate: Thing about detectives is, they have resumes and business licences and last names. Pop stars and Popes, those are the one-name guys. Angel: You got me. I'm the Pope. "I think she's one of Cordelia's group. People called them the Cordettes. A bunch of girls from wealthy families. They ruled the high school. Decided what was in, who was popular. It was like the Soviet Secret Police if they cared a lot about shoes." -Angel "Oh boy, I was really jonesing for another heartbreaking sewer talk." -Buffy "Do you know the Heimlich? I can't do it in this dimension!" "You don't have a woman's touch... whatever your taste in clothing might indicate." -Cordelia "Well, shouldn't we be off killing something?" -Gunn "Are you going to help me, or am I going to have to break out my champion rolodex?" -Lorne "...[as Rachel] How can I thank you, you mysterious black-clad hunk of a night thing? [as Angel] No need, little lady, your tears of gratitude are enough for me. You see, I was once a badass vampire, but love and a pesky curse defanged me. Now I'm just a big, fluffy puppy with bad teeth. No, not the hair! Never the hair! [as Rachel] But there must be some way I can show my appreciation? [as Angel] No, helping those in need's my job, and working up a load of sexual tension and prancing away like a magnificent poof is truly thanks enough. [as Rachel] I understand. I have a nephew who is gay, so... [as Angel] Say no more. Evil's still afoot. And I'm almost out of that nancy-boy hair-gel I like so much. Quickly, to the Angel-mobile, away." -Spike "I'm not a snivelling whiny little cry-Buffy. I'm the nastiest girl in Sunnydale history. I take crap from no one." -Cordelia "The key to Wolfram and Hart: don't let them make you play their game. You got to make them play yours." -Lindsey "Two enemies, one case, all coming together in a buddy cop movie kind of way." -Lorne Angel: This socializing thing is brutal. I was young once, I used to go to bars. It wasn't anything like this. Doyle: You used to go to taverns. Small towns, where everybody used to know each other. Cordelia: Yeah, like high school. It was easy to date there. We all had so much in common. Being monster food every other week, for instance. "So, you're here to talk me to death." -Lindsey Angel: [to Doyle] Where'd you pick up computer skills? Cordelia: Downloading pictures of naked women? Doyle: Well, that's more or less accurate. "It's called addiction, Angel. We all have it. I believe yours is called Slutty the Vampire Slayer." -Spike Cordelia: We need more of these. Doyle: We'll have more soon enough. Cordelia: Well, we need them now. Have a vision. Doyle: I just can't perform on demand. Cordelia: We need the clients. Have a vision. Doyle: That money's corrupted you. Cordelia: If I hit you in the head, will you have a vision? Doyle: Get away from me -- you're insane! "Stop it, Evil Hand, stop it!" -Lindsey Cordelia: Why didn't you tell me you were half-demon? I thought we agreed that secrets are bad. Doyle: I wanted to tell you. I was afraid. Thought if I did, you'd reject me. Cordelia: I've rejected you way before now! So you're half-demon -- big whoop! I can't believe you think I'd care about that! I mean, I work for a vampire, hello?! [to Lindsey] "If this is a trick, just know I'll be coming back for you. Hell, I might be coming back for you anyway." -Angel "They're starting to take a toll. It's all part of the job, right?" -Cordelia "You know, when I was in charge here, no one questioned my methods or my singing." -Angel Cordelia: Hi Doyle. Are you gonna become loser pining guy, like, full time? 'Cuz we already have one of those around the office. Angel: Hey! Doyle: Hey! Cordelia: He can get away with it. He's tall, and look at the way clothes hang on him. But you-- Angel: Okay. I think you've cheered us up enough. "I don't know about you, but I had a nice day. Except for the bulk of it, where I was nearly tortured to death." -Angel "You know what they say, the hand is quicker than the eye. You'll get that later." -Lorne "Guess what I found? More nothing than usual." -Wesley Doyle: I've been sent by the powers that be. Angel: The powers that be what? "Your cousin called, with one of those names from your part of England." -Cordelia "There are three things I don't do: tan, date and sing in public." -Angel Cordelia: Are you all right, Wesley? Wesley: No. These pants tend to chafe one's -- legs. "You're a lot smarter than you look. Of course, you look like a retard. -Cordelia Kate: Way to come off like a drunken slut. Slut's better than hypocrite, right? Angel: Kind of hard on yourself. Kate: That's me. Self-flagellating-hypocrite-slut. "Caught me fair and square, white hat. I guess there is nothing to do now but go quietly and pay my debt to society." -Spike "If he's not going to play by the old rules why should we?" -Lindsey "I think your friend should reconsider the name Harmony." -Lorne Cordelia: I finally get invited to a nice place with no mirrors and lots of curtains. Hey, you're a vampire. Russell Winters: What? No, I'm not. Cordelia: Are too. Russell: I don't know what you're talking about. Cordelia: I'm from Sunnydale. We had our own Hellmouth. I think I know a vampire when... I'm alone with him in his fortress-like home. "Well, I like the place. Not much of a view, but it's got a nice Batcave sort of an air to it." -Doyle "As if I wasn't confused enough, then Doyle comes along and rescues me like some... badly dressed superhero." -Cordelia Angel: It's all the same thing. Fight the good fight, whichever way you can. Doyle: Tell you what -- you fight, and I'll keep score. "It's nothing personal. I-I'm just evil! We're still friends, right?" -Harmony Doyle: All I'm saying is, if you and I ever hope to take that cruise to the Bahamas together, we're going to need a lot more clients with means. Cordelia: And an alternate reality in which you're Matthew McConaughey. Cordelia: You lied to us! Angel: I did, I know. Giles: Why? Angel: I figured you'd nag. [playing Risk against Wesley.] "Three-fifths of the world covered in water, the rest covered in me!" -Gunn "Once upon a time there was a vampire. And he was the meanest vampire in all the land. All the other vampires were afraid of him, he was such a bastard. Then one day he's cursed by gypsies. They restore his human soul. And all of a sudden he's mad with guilt... it's a fairly dull tale. It needs a little sex is my feeling. So, sure enough, enter the girl. Pretty little blonde thing, Vampire Slayer by trade, and our vampire fell madly in love with her. Eventually the two of them get fleshy with one another. The technical term is "perfect happiness." But when our boy gets there, he goes bad again. So when he gets his soul back for a second time, he figures he can't be anywhere near Miss-Young-Puppy-Eyes without endangering them both. So, what does he do? He takes off. Goes to L.A. to fight evil and atone for his crimes. He's a shadow. A faceless champion of the hapless human race." -Doyle "Los Angeles. You see it at night and it shines. Like a beacon. People are drawn to it. People and other things. They come for all sorts of reasons. My reason? No surprise there. It started with a girl." -Angel
Page by: Paul M. M. Jacobus (paul@otd.com)
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