Quote-o-rama:
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Warren: Gentlemen - to crime! [They sip the champagne.] Andrew: Crime tastes funny. Principal Snyder: Are you a soldier? Xander: I'm a comfortador. Principal Snyder: You're neither. You're a whipping boy, raised by mongrels, and set on a sacrificial stone. ("Restless") Xander: So we're saying he did a spell just to make us think he was cool? Giles: Yes. Xander: That is so cool! ("Superstar") "Spike and all of his friends are going to be pigging out at the All You Can Eat Moron Bar." ("Lie to Me") "You gotta stop doing this. this dying thing's funny once, maybe twice." -Xander ("Villians") "I don't care if it is an orgy of death, there's still such a thing as a napkin." -Willow ("Superstar") "It's all Faith's fault. She's like poison. No, worse, she's like acid that eats through everything. Maybe she's a bomb." ("Superstar") "Buff, I'm storming off. It doesn't really work if you come with me." -Willow "Sure, alternate realities. You could have, like, a world without shrimp. Or with, you know, nothing but shrimp. You could even make, like, a freaky world where Jonathan's like, some kind of not-perfect mouth-breather, if that's what's blowing up your skirt these days. Just don't ask me to live there." -Anya ("Superstar") "What are you doing here? I thought were in England with Giles studying how to *not* kill people." -Anya Warren: It was an accident, you know. Willow: Oh... you mean instead of killing my best friend, you killed my girlfriend? ("Villians") Buffy: Anya, when you were a demon, you granted wishes, right? Anya: Vengeance wishes, on ex-boyfriends. I'd wish he was a dog, or ugly, or in love with President McKinley, or something. ("Superstar") "Is Jordy a werewolf? Uh-huh. And how long has that been going on? No, no reason." -Oz ("Phases") Anya: Buck up, you. You kill the best. Go you. Kill, kill. Buffy: Actually not needing validation right now, but thank you. ("Superstar") "Whoa! It smells like church in here. No, wait... Evil church." -Xander Buffy: Why don't I just put a stake through her heart? Giles: She's not a vampire. Buffy: Well, you'd be surprised how many things that'll kill. ("the Wish") Giles: It was better... before. Larry: Okay, the entire world sucks because some dead ditz made a wish? I just want it clear. ("the Wish") [on the phone] "...Yes, I'm aware that there's a great deal of demonic activity in Cleveland... It happens, you know, that Sunnydale in on a Hellmouth... It is so!" -Giles ("the Wish") Anya: "You don't want me to have a hobby." Xander: "Not a vengeance hobby, no. It's dangerous. People can't do anything they want. Society has rules and borders and an end zone." ("Restless") "You see, you try to be with them... but you always end up in the dark... with me." -Spike Master: You killed the girl that sought the Slayer? Xander: It was too easy. Willow: I felt cheap. ("the Wish") Buffy: You know, you could have brought that up to us before we did it. Giles: I did! I said there could be dire consequences. Buffy: Yes, but you say that about chewing too fast. "The mission is what matters." -Nikki Wood "They will find out, you know. About you." -Tara, ("Restless") "Well, at least you all didn't dream about that guy with the cheese. I don't know where the hell that came from." -Buffy, ("Restless") Spike: But you can kill a hundred, a thousand, a thousand thousand, and the armies of hell besides, and all we need is for one of us, just one, sooner or later to have the thing we're all hoping for. Buffy: And that would be what? Spike: [whispering] One... good... day. ("Fool for Love") "Come on, put your back into it. A Watcher scoffs at gravity." -Giles ("Restless") Tara: You're not worried? Willow: I never worry here. I'm safe here. Tara: You don't know everything about me. Willow: Have you told me your real name? Tara: Oh, you know that. Willow: I know. Xander engaged, I couldn't believe it either. Amy: It's just so weird. So what's she like? Willow: Thousand-year-old capitalist ex-demon with rabbit phobia. Amy: Well, that's so his type. "I envy them. Isn't that the strangest thing?" -the First "So Cordelia wished for something? If it was a long, healthy life, she should get her money back." -Oz ("the Wish") Buffy: I know. But I think she'll be fine. You know, it's Willow. She of the level head. Anya: Well, those are the ones you have to watch out for the most. Responsible types. Buffy: Right, she might go crazy and start alphabetizing everything. Joyce: "I'm guessing I missed some fun?" Willow: "The spirit of the first Slayer tried to kill us in our dreams." Joyce: "Oh. You want some hot chocolate?" ("Restless") "You mean 'no' as in 'eventually'?" -Spike Xander: Aha! I got it! Here's our villain right here! ...what? Anya: That's a D&D manual, sweetie. "I don't want to lead them into war. It can't be the right thing." -Buffy "I can defeat you with my intellect. I can cripple you with my thoughts." -Giles, "Restless" Willow: Guys, I'm fine. What's the deal with-- Anya: Oh, for crying out loud. This is bizarre. You're all 'la la la!' with the magic, and the not talking, like everything's normal, when we all know that Tara up and left you and now everyone's scared to say anything to you. Except me. "Ah, swell. It's the white hats." -Xander, "the Wish" Xander: You know what he's like? He's like a cat. You know, a big jungle cat. How come I'm not like that? It's just so cool. Willow: (munching chips) I think you're cool. "Guys! Buffy! Snake! Basement! Now!" -Willow Girl: Have you heard? They call him "William the Bloody" because of his bloody awful poetry. Guy: It suits him. I'd rather have a railroad spike through my head than listen to that awful stuff! Buffy: Hi. How've you been? Amy: Rat. You? Buffy: Dead. Amy: Oh. Buffy: "Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic." Xander: "Mine is much more advanced." "the Wish" "It's the end of humanity, Faith, not the end of courtesy." -the Mayor Spike: "Giles here is gonna teach me to be a Watcher. Says I got the stuff." Giles: "Spike's like a son to me." "Being the Slayer made me different, but it's my fault I stayed that way." -Buffy Spike: What are you lookin' at? Buffy: You got off on it. Spike: Well, yeah. I suppose you're telling me you don't? "Don't underestimate the impact of a pegleg!" -Willow "I don't want to kill you Spike. I want to kill that monster that took my mother away from me." -Robin "This girl has died two times and she's still going." -Xander Giles: "Buffy no longer needs a watcher." Cordelia: "But does he have to leave the country? I mean, you got fired and you still hang around like a big loser. Why can't he?" Xander: "See, now he's all mad and sarcastic." Willow: "It's because you were doing all that yelling, Mr. Stealthy-pants." Spike: I could have danced all night with that one. Buffy: You think we're dancing? Spike: That's all we've ever done. "I'm not here for the Council. Just tell me how I can help." -Wesley Tara: "The Slayer does not walk in this world." Buffy: "I walk, I talk, I shop, I sneeze. I'm gonna be a fireman when the flood rolls back." "I'll be fine. I think I've figured out how to steer by gesturing emphatically." -Anya Buffy: "My god, he's gonna do the entire speech." Willow: "Man, just ascend already." Buffy: "Evil." "So. What else you got?" -Caleb "Congratulations to the Class of 1999. You all proved more or less adequate." -Principal Snyder Xander: I think I pulled a jive muscle last night. Willow: The Funky Monkey claims another victim. ... Xander: I'm gonna go bring Anya up to speed on that monkey situation. Tara: There's a monkey problem? Willow: Only if you don't stretch first. "The Harrises are very broad-minded. We're Episcopalians." -Cousin Carol "It's the Hellmouth, Spike, you can never be too careful." -Robin Kennedy: Evil vinyard, huh. Spike: Like Falcon Crest. Buffy: Go where? Your place? Spike: Yeah, I suppose. That was the idea. Buffy: Yeah. Spike: Evil. Buffy: Of course. "So. What else you got?" -Caleb "We're *all* watching your back." -Giles "Tell anyone we had this conversation and I'll bite you." -Spike, to Andrew "*And* you're fired again!" -Robin "She wrapped evil around her like a large evil Mexican sarape." -Andrew, about Faith "The first day of kindergarten, you cried because you broke the yellow crayon, and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You've come pretty far. Ending the world, not a terrific notion. But the thing is, yeah, I love you. I love crayon-breaky Willow, and I love scary-veiny Willow." -Xander "Well, you're the one that sees everything, aren't you?" -Caleb "It's a good thing I realized I was gay. Otherwise, hey, you, me and formalwear..." -Willow "...Spike's got some sort of get-out-of-jail-free card that doesn't apply to the rest of us. I mean, he could slaughter a hundred frat boys and... forgiveness makes us human blah di blah blah blah..." -Anya Buffy: Go where? Your place? Spike: Yeah, I suppose. That was the idea. Buffy: Yeah. Spike: Evil. Buffy: Of course. "So, he has a trigger, a soul _and_ a chip?" -Robin, on Spike "We're not gonna have to do that at the wedding, are we? 'Cause there's this last thread of dignity I've been desperately clinging to." -Willow "Any apocalypse I avert without dying? Those are the easy ones." -Buffy Halfrek: So, Dawnie, how's everything? Going good? Nothing you, uh, wish was different? D'Hoffryn: Hallie, for yekks sake, take a day off. We're not here to do vengeance, we're here to mingle. Glory: "What's this? Bag of tricks?" Willow: "Bag of knives." "That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, Bingo!" -the Buffybot "Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life flash before your eyes? 'Cup of tea, cup of tea, almost got shagged, cup of tea...'" -Spike Buffy: "This is how many apocalypses for us now?" Giles: "Oh, well... uh... six at least. Feels like a hundred." "The Slayer's a robot! Did everybody else know the Slayer was a robot?" -Glory Buffy: Giles, everything's just been so... Xander left Anya at the altar, and Anya's a vengeance demon again. Dawn's a total klepto. Money's been so tight that I've been slinging burgers at the Doublemeat Palace. And... I've been sleeping with Spike. [Giles cracks up.] "Stop telling stories! Life isn't a story." -Buffy Andrew: Hide out in the cemetery -- what a fantastic idea. Xander: Yeah, I'm working on a whole shut-the-hell-up pitch you might like, too. Giles: "I imagine you hate me right now. ... I love Dawn." Buffy: "I know." Giles: "But I've sworn to protect this sorry world, and sometimes that means saying and doing what other people can't... they shouldn't have to." Buffy: "You try and hurt her, and you know I'll stop you." Giles: "I know." "What I do is too important to show the world." -Buffy "I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the 'funny' syphillis." -Xander "He said he'd buy me a burro." -Andrew "It's not enough." -the First Slayer "Right there with you, Scooter" -Anya "Everyone! Giles has a TV! He's shallow like us!" -Xander "'Something weird is going on.' Isn't that our school motto?" -Xander "I described something? Accurately? Guess I'm done with book learnin'." -Xander Cordelia: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan. Oz: We attack the Mayor with humus. Cordelia: I stand corrected. Oz: Just keeping things in perspective. Cordelia: Thank you. "Poems, always a sign of pretentious inner turmoil." -Xander Xander: Love poems? Willow: I'm over you now, sweetie. Xander: Loooove poems. Willow: So, will you help me? Anya: Is it difficult or time-consuming? Giles: It appears to be paranormal in origin. Buffy: How can you tell? Giles: Well, it's so shiny. Buffy: Spike, what are you doing here? Five words or less. Spike: Out. For. A. Walk. [pause] Bitch. Buffy: That's your theory? Dawn: Well, it explains your fashion sense. And your smell. "I hear you. Stay British. Hang in there." -Xander "We have one more award to give out... is Buffy Summers here tonight? This is actually a new category, first time ever. I guess there were a lot of write-in ballots. And, um, look, the prom committee asked me to read this. 'We're not good friends. Most of us never found the time to get to know you. But that doesn't mean we haven'tnoticed you. We don't talk about it much, but it's no secret that Sunnydale High isn't really like other high schools. A lot of really weird stuff happens here. [Zombies! Hyena people! Snider!] But, whenever there was a problem, or something creepy happened, you seemed to show up and stop it. Most of the people here have been saved by you, or helped by you, at one time or another. We're proud to say that the Class of '99 has the lowest mortality rate in Sunnydale history. We we know at least part of that, is because of you.' So the senior class offers its thanks and gives you, ah, this. [opens umbrella.] It's from all of us. And it has written here, 'Buffy Summers, Class Protector.'" Mayor: That's an exciting suit! Trick: Clothes make the man. "I don't even get why you care about homecoming when all you do is stuff like this." -Cordelia Pike: You know, Buffy, you're not like other girls. Buffy: Yes I am. "But granted, I have a hard time imagining Nick and Nora Fury hiding out from their own relatives in a bathroom." -Xander Riley: I hear you. I got, ah, big stories to tell you too, when you've got a second. Buffy: Did you die? Riley: No. Buffy: I'm gonna win. Willow: Just so you know, I'm prepared to hate this woman any way you want. Buffy: Thanks but, oh, I don't want to seem all petty. Willow: Well, that's the beauty. You can't, but I can. Please, let me carry the hate for the both of us. Buffy: Go nuts. "There's no bad guy in this one." -Sam Finn "That's all you've ever done is play me. You can keep playing with rules you make up as you like. You know what I am. You've always known. You come to me all the same." -Spike [Pulling out a badge.] Riley: National Forestry Service, we've got a wild bear. Sam: I mean, patrolling with the real, live Slayer. You're like Santa Claus, or the Buddha or something. Buffy: Fat and jolly? Anya: I swear I'm just trying to find my necklace. Willow: Did you look under the sofa... *in Hell* ?!?! Buffy: Willow, you're alive! Willow: Aren't I usually? "I do beat him up a lot. For Spike, that's like third base." -Buffy "Alternate realities are neat." -Buffy "The hardest thing to do in this world is to live in it." -Buffy Glory: Last words, slaybreath? Buffy: Just one - truck. "Buckle up kids! Daddy's putting the hammer down!" -Spike "He doesn't travel well. He's like fine shrimp." -Anya "I think Anya's going to try to cook. Want to come watch the tears and recriminations?" -Dawn Ben: "She could have killed me." Giles: "No, she couldn't. And sooner or later Glory will re-emerge and make Buffy pay for that mercy... and the world with her. Buffy even knows that, and still she couldn't take a human life. She's a hero, you see. She's not like us." Ben: "Us?" "Don't worry about me. I won't leave until I've worn out my welcome." -Ben "Well, I'm not good and I'm OK." -Spike [Doing dishes.] Buffy: Dawn, if there's any plates in your room, let's have them before they get furry and we have to name them. Dawn: Hey, I was like five then. "I'm starting to feel like being the Slayer is turning me into stone." -Buffy "Weird love's better than no love." -Buffy "Darn your sinister attraction!" -The BuffyBot "*cough* I breathed in like a quart of vampire dust. That can't be good." -Anya "Sometimes in the movies when they go crazy, they slap them." -Anya "Angel's lame. His hair goes straight up and he's bloody stupid." -The BuffyBot "The who having wha with huh?" -Buffy "You guys couldn't tell me apart from a robot?!" -Buffy "We will bring you the limp and beaten body of Bob Barker!" -Glory's servants "The god of what, bad home perms?" -Spike "What you did, for me and Dawn. That was real. I won't forget it." -Buffy "They wouldn't have taken an oath if they didn't know they could do it." -Dawn "You're more fun when I hit you." -Ben, Glory's brother "We have some very amusing chicken feet you can play with." -Anya "And I wish that Xander Harris never again knows the touch of a woman. And that Willow wakes up tomorrow covered in monkey hair." -Cordelia "Well Xander, I could dress more like you, but oh, my father has a job." -Cordelia "Chemistry's easy, a lot like witchcraft. Only less newt." -Willow "...but if the world doesn't end, I'm gonna need a note." -Cordelia "I love Xander, I just don't _love_ Xander." -Buffy The Mayor: "I just love the Family Circus. That PJ! He's getting to be quite a handful." Mr. Trick: "I like Marmaduke. No one tells that dog what to do. That's my kind of dog." Alan: "I like Cathy." "How come your eye twitches every time I say Faith's name?" -Buffy, to Xander "This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed." -Spike Giles: We can't let you go until we're sure that you're impotent or - Spike: Hey! Giles: Sorry, poor choice of words. Until we know that you're... Buffy: Flaccid? Spike: You are one step away, missy! Buffy: Giles help! He's gonna scold me! Anya: You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms. Xander: Okay, remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they're in front of my friends? Spike: Oh, we're not your friends; go on. "I'm saying that Spike had a little trip to the vet, and now he doesn't chase the other puppies anymore." -Spike "It's fuzzy-minded liberal thinking like that that gets you eaten." -Principal Snyder "I have two words that are going to make all your troubles go away. Miniature Golf." -Mayor Wilkins "I've had my share of losers, but you - you boinked the undead." -Faith Buffy: Who are you? Angel: Let's just say, I'm a friend. Buffy: Yeah, maybe I don't want a friend. Angel: I didn't say I was yours. Forrest: Check her out. Is she hot, or is she hot? Riley: She's Buffy. Forrest: Buffy. I like that. The girl's so hot, she's Buffy. Riley: That's her name, Forrest. "I'm a bloodsucking fiend! Look at my outfit!" -Willow "I don't get this. The candy is supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff, but I've had a ton and I don't feel any diff-- nevermind." -Xander Spike: The last time I looked in on you two, you were fighting to the death. Now you're back making googly eyes at each other like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave. Buffy: I don't know what you're talking about. Spike: Oh yeah, you're just friends. Angel: That's right. Spike: You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love 'til it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other til it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children. It's blood. Blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it. "Just think of my lips as the Fruit Roll-Ups of Love...okay, that was gross." -Xander "Rejection, I can handle (because of years of training) but this!" -Willow Xander: Who's the little fear demon? Come on, who's the little fear demon? Giles: Don't taunt the fear demon. Xander: Why? Can he hurt me? Giles: No, it's just...tacky. "Where is it written that quiet reflection cannot be combined with cake and funny hats." -Xander Buffy: "Is he evil?" Giles: "Not in the strictest sense." Wesley: "I didn't get this job because of my looks." Buffy: "I really really really believe that." Wesley: "...I don't want to bore you with details." Buffy: "You're a bit late for that." "Tell me staking a vamp doesn't get you a little juiced." -Faith "Would you get your mind out of the Hellmouth?!" -Buffy "I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass! What, can't go without your Buffy? Is that it? Too chicken? Let's find her! She is the Chosen One, after all. Come one, vampires, rrrr, nasty! Let's annihilate them. For justice, and for... the safety of puppies, and Christmas, right? Let's fight that evil! Let's kill something! Oh, come on!" -Spike Buffy: "Wait! Stop! Think!" Faith: "No! No! No!" "The ice is so slippery, and monkeys are all irrational!" "Why they always gotta be using swords? It's called an Uzi! Look it up!" -Mr. Trick "So I am wondering, do the other cookie animals feel sort of ripped? Like, is the hippo going, 'Hey man, where are my pants? I have my hippo dignity.' And you know, the monkeys just, 'I mock you with my monkey pants!' And then there's a big coup in the zoo." -Oz "I was kind of a wimp on the scary movies. When I was young, my parents used to torture us - well, I thought it was torture, they were just driving somewhere - by driving by the drive-in theater and I would catch a glimpse of the Planet of the Apes films. I would freak out at the idea of apes walking around and talking - it would just scare the hell out of me. I hated scary movies, but I always loved superheroes. I can't remember a time when I didn't love Batman and Superman, and later on Spider-Man." -writer Doug Petrie Xander: Think of the happy. If we don't find what we're looking for, we're facing the apocalypse. Spike (cheering up): Really? You're not just saying that? Buffy: We have a marching jazz band? Oz: Yeah, but, you know, since the best jazz is improvisational, we'd be going off in all directions, banging into floats... scary. "I knew it! I knew it! Well, not in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know." -Willow Willow: I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah, 1-800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho. Buffy: Meow! Willow: Really? Thanks. I've never gotten a "meow" before. Faith: When I'm fighting, it's like the whole world goes away. I only know one thing: that I'm gonna win, and they're gonna lose. I *like* that feeling. Buffy: Well sure, beats that "dead" feeling you get when they win and *you* lose. Willow: Maybe we shouldn't be too coupley around Buffy. Cordelia: Oh, you mean 'cause of how the only guy that ever liked her turned into a vicious killer and had to be put down like a dog? Xander: Can she cram complex issues into a nutshell, or what? Buffy: Do you remember that demon that almost got out the night I died? Willow: Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked. Buffy: I can't believe you got into Oxford! Willow: It's pretty exciting. Oz: That's some deep academia there. Buffy: That's where they make Gileses! Willow: I know! I can learn, and have scones! "Sometimes when I'm sitting in class... you know, I'm not thinking about class 'cause that would never happen... I think about kissing you. And it's like everything stops, it's like, freeze frame: Willow kissage." -Oz Xander: Willow, did you remember to tape "Biography" last Friday? Willow: Uh huh. Buffy: See? I told you... old reliable. Willow: Oh, thanks. Buffy: What? Willow: "Old reliable"? Yeah, there's a sexy nickname. Buffy: I-I didn't mean it as-- Willow: No, it's fine. I'm "old reliable." Xander: She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals. Willow: That's Old Faithful. Xander: Isn't that the dog that the guy had to shoot-- Willow: That's Old *Yeller*. Buffy: Xander, I beg you not to help me. ... Anya: Listen, I have this little project I'm working on, and I heard you were the person to ask if-- Willow: Yeah, that's me. Reliable dog-geyser-person. Anya: What a day. Gimme a beer. Bartender: ID. [Anya glares at him.] Bartender: ID. Anya: I'm eleven hundred and twenty years old! Just gimme a frickin' beer! Bartender: ID. Anya: [sigh] Gimme a Coke. Anya: You know this isn't your world, right? I mean, you know you don't belong here. Vampire Willow: No. This is a dumb world. On my world, there are people in chains, and we can ride them like ponies. Vampire Willow: This world's no fun. Willow: You noticed that, too? [Looking at the vampire version of herself from an alternate reality.] Willow: That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil, and skanky... and I think I'm kinda gay. Xander: Guess who our commencement speaker is? Willow: Sigfreid? Xander: No. Willow: Roy? Xander: No. Willow: One of the tigers? Anya: You're going to die if you stay here. Xander: I guess I might. Anya: When I think that something could happen to you, it feels bad inside, like I might vomit. Xander: Welcome to the world of romance. Anya: It's horrible! No wonder I used to get so much work. Anya: I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species, and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them. Xander: Then why are you talking to me? Anya: [sighs] I don't have a date for the prom. Xander: Well, gosh, I wonder why not? It couldn't possibly have anything to do with your sales pitch. Anya: Men are evil. Will you go with me? Willow: This is so frustrating. Oz: Nothing useful? Willow: No, it's great. If we wanna make ferns invisible or communicate with shrimp, I've got the goods right here. Oz: Our lives are different than other people's. Buffy: I went to Angel's last night, and Faith was there. They looked sort of... intimate. Willow: No way. I know what you're thinking, and no way. Buffy: You're right. Faith would never do that. Willow: Faith would *totally* do that. Faith was *built* to do that. She's the *do that* girl. Buffy: Comfort, remember? Comfort here. Willow: I mean, please. Does Angel come up to Faith's standards for a guy? Let's see... is he breathing? Buffy: Actually, no. "When I'm with a boy I like I can't say anything cool, or witty--or at all. I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away." -Willow Buffy: The world is what it is - we fight, we die. Wishing doesn't change that. Giles: I have to believe in a better world. Buffy: Go ahead. I have to live in this one. Xander: Isn't that what they called The Slayer? Willow: Buffy, ohh scary. Xander: Someone has to talk to her people. That name is striking fear in nobody's hearts. Anya: You trusting fool. How do you know the other world is any better than this? Giles: Because it has to be. "Are you ready to get down, you funky party weasel?" -Xander "Dorkhead? You lash me with your words!" -Xander Angel: "Dear Buffy..." Hmmm. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards. Spike: Why don't you rip her lungs out? That might make an impression. Angel: Lacks... poetry. Spike: Doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs? "I didn't jump to conclusions. I took a small step, and conclusions there were." -Buffy Spike: Whatcha doin', love? Dru: I'm naming the stars. Spike: You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also it's day. Dru: No, I can see them. But I've named them all the same name, and there's terrible confusion. Buffy: I wish we could be regular kids. Angel: I'll never be a kid. Buffy: Okay then, a regular kid and her cradle-robbing creature-of-the-night boyfriend. Oz: So, do you steal weapons from the Army often? Willow: Well, we don't get cable, so we have to make our own fun. "You can attack me, you can send assassins after me, that's fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend!" -Buffy "We're right behind you, only further back." -Xander Xander: Yep, vampires are real. A lot of 'em live in Sunnydale. Willow'll fill you in. Willow: I know it's hard to accept at first. Oz: Actually, it explains a lot. "A black eye heals, but cowardice has an unlimited shelf life." -Xander "It's like this dream I had about Xander... except that it wasn't about Xander, it was about someone else; and it wasn't even me, it was a friend of mine and... she doesn't remember it." -Willow Snyder: There are some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense. Giles: No, actually, that would be one of the five. "So, are we going Bronze-ing tonight? Or of course, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but, gosh, we did that last night." -Xander Buffy: Vampires are creeps. Giles: Yes. That's why one slays them. Vampire: Slayer. Buffy Summers: Slayee. "I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away." -Xander "To read makes our speaking English good." -Xander Buffy: Have I ever let you down? Giles: Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare? Cordelia: I guess you should know since you helped raise that demon that killed that guy that time. Giles: Yes, do bring that up as often as possible. "It's a big rock. I can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big." -Spike Xander: Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with deadboy on this one. Angel: Could you not call me that? "I didn't say that I'd never slay another vampire. It's not like I have all these fluffy bunny feelings for them, I'm just not gonna get way extracurricular with it." -Buffy Buffy: I'm sorry, it's just been a really weird day. Xander: Yeah, Buffy died and everything. Willow: Wow, harsh. Buffy: Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood. Xander: That actually kinda turns me on. Buffy: I fear you. "When he wakes up, tell him... I don't know. Think of something cool, tell him I said it." -Buffy "I do what I want to do. And I wear what I want to wear. And you know what, I'll date whoever the hell I want to date... no matter how lame he is." -Cordelia Cordelia: You're really campaigning for bitch of the year, aren't you? Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous? Empada: You are strange. Xander: Girls always tell me that... right before they run away. Giles: Alright. I'll just jump into my time machine, go back to the 12th century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show. Buffy: Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm. Giles: I suspect your mother would want to... put it on the refrigerator. Buffy: Yeah. She saw these scores and her head spun around and exploded. Giles: I've been on the Hellmouth too long, that was metaphorical, yes? Buffy: Yes. Giles: They came after me, but I was more than a match for them. Buffy: Meaning? Giles: I hid. Joyce: Something's gonna eat those babies? Snyder: I think that is so wrong. Joyce: You belong in a good old fashioned college with keg parties and boys. Not here with Hellmouths and vampires. Buffy: Not really seeing the distinction. Oz: I can see why you would be upset. Oh, that was my sarcastic voice. Xander: You know, it sounds a lot like your regular voice. Oz: I've been told that. Oz: It's Willow, she's nearby. Cordelia: What? You can smell her? She doesn't even wear perfume. Oz: She's afraid. Cordelia: Oh my God, is this some sort of residual werewolf thing? This is very disturbing. Oz: I really agree. "Looks dead, smells dead, yet it's moving around. That's interesting." -Oz "A lot of educators tell students, 'Think of your principal as your pal.' I say, 'Think of me as your judge, jury, and executioner.'" -Principal Snyder "There are things I will not tolerate: students loitering on campus after school, horrible murders with hearts being removed. And also smoking." -Principal Snyder "Bottom line is, even if you see them coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we, helpless? Puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are." -Whistler Willow: I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h? Giles: Willow, I think we're a little too old to be spelling things out. Xander: A "bitca"? Willow: You just don't like him 'cause of that time he beat you up every day for five years. Xander: Yeah, I'm irrational that way. "And they say that young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but I've learned to be afraid." -Xander Xander: Blackmail is such an ugly word. Buffy: I didn't say blackmail. Xander: Yeah, but I'm about to blackmail you, so I thought I'd bring it up. Xander: Does anyone remember when Saturday night meant date night? Cordelia: You sure don't. Hi, for those of you who just tuned in, everyone here is a crazy person. -Xander Xander: How could you let her go? Giles: As the soon-to-be-purple area on my jaw will attest, I did not "let" her go. Vampire: Does this sweater make me look fat? Sunday: No. The fact that you're fat makes you look fat. That sweater just makes you look purple. Xander: The band, yeah. They're great. They march. Willow: Like an army. Except with music, instead of bullets, and usually no one dies. "Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me." -Xander "Well, yeah. I'd give anything to be able to turn invisible. I wouldn't use my powers to beat people up, but use my powers to protect the girl's locker room." -Xander Xander: When are you guys gonna stop making fun of me for dating Cordelia? Buffy: I'm sorry, but never. Cordelia: I can't believe this loser look. I lobbied so hard for the teal. No one ever listens to me. Lone fashionable wolf. Xander: I like the maroon, has more dignity. Cordelia: Dignity? You? In relation to clothes? I'm awash in a sea of confusion. Buffy: I told one lie... I had one drink... Giles: Yes. And you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words, "Let that be a lesson" are a tad redundant at this juncture. Buffy: Slaying is a tad more perilous than dating. Xander: Obviously you're not dating Cordelia. "My boyfriend had a bicentennial." -Buffy "Oh, I know this one! "Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah blah bliddy blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone." -Buffy "I did a couple of slayers in my time. I don't like to brag. Who am I kidding? I love to brag." -Spike "If every vampire who said he was at the Crucifixion was actually there it would've been like Woodstock. I was at Woodstock. I fed off a flower person and I spent six hours watching my hand move." -Spike [Buffy reads her mom's thoughts] Buffy: You had sex with Giles? You had SEX with Giles? Joyce Summers: It was the candy, we were teenagers. Buffy: On the top of a police car? Joyce Summers: I'll be downstairs. Buffy: TWICE? Willow: Harmony! I haven't seen you since, since... Harmony: Graduation. ...Big snake, huh? Willow: Yeah. Xander: I don't get your crazy system! Giles: It's called the alphabet. Xander: Would ya look at that. Willow: Personal question? Xander: Yeah, shoot. Willow: When Buffy was a vampire, you weren't still, like, attracted to her, were you? Xander: Willow, how can you -- I mean, that's really bent! She was... grotesque! Willow: Still dug her, huh? Xander: I'm sick. I need help. Willow: Don't I know it. "When Giles sends me on a mission, he says 'please.' And afterwards I get a cookie." -Buffy "I'm too grossed out to hear anything you have to say." -Buffy [To her mom, about her sister:] "You're the one who insisted on teaching her to talk." -Buffy "Homework? I don't believe in tiny Jewish Santa anymore." -Buffy "...Because it's a demon snot monster from outer space. [Pause] I did *not* just say that." -Giles "I think we just put our finger on why we're the sidekicks." -Willow "I fought more than a couple pimply overweight vamps that called themselves 'Lestat.'" -Buffy "Look who has a bad case of 'Dark Prince' envy." -Xander "You can't just waft on in here with your music video hair and your hypno-eyes..." -Buffy Xander: "It's nothing, it's just a scratch..." Willow: "...two, deep, puncturey scratches..." "I am not transferry." -Buffy "I have to take you to the Master now. There's this whole deal where he'll make me immortal. You cool with that?" -Xander "You know, I really think the thrall has gone out of our relationship." -Buffy "Where's the creep that turned me into his spider-eating manbitch!?" -Xander "I'm envious, Mr. Giles. A trip to England sounds so exciting and exotic... unless you're English." -Tara Xander: "So, how goes the slaying?" Buffy: "I killed something in a convent last night!" "Stop being so insightful. It's creepy." -Buffy "You fight well! Although you are a... tiny man." -Olaf the Troll Willow: "You don't know how to drive?! Why didn't you say you don't know how to drive?!!" Anya: "Well, I couldn't know if I could until I tried, could I?" "Yeah, I could do that, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much." -Spike Willow: "Distract him from Buffy! Piss him off!" Anya: "I don't know how!" Willow: "Anya, I have faith in you." Buffy: "Where did you send him." Anya: "The Land of the Trolls. He'll like it there. Full of trolls." Willow: "It's hard to be precise, though. Alternate universes don't stay put. Trying to send him to a specific place is sort of like, like, trying to hit a puppy by throwing a live bee at it. Which is a weird image. And you should all forget it." Anya: "It's possible that he's in the Land of Perpetual Wednesday, or the Crazy Melty Land, or, you know, the World Without Shrimp." Tara: "There's a world without shrimp? I'm allergic." Willow: "Uh, he's probably in Troll Land." "Incompetently dubbed kung fu - our more valuable Chinese import." -Xander "So a mythic battle against a completely indifferent foe." -Buffy Buffy: "Are you alright?" Xander: "I'm alive. I can tell because of the pain." "Dawn, listen to me. Listen: I love you. I will always love you. This is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles I... tell Giles I figured it out, and I'm o.k. Give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live... for me." BUFFY ANNE SUMMERS 1981 - 2001 BELOVED SISTER DEVOTED FRIEND SHE SAVED THE WORLD A LOT
Page by: Paul M. M. Jacobus (paul@otd.com)
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