Quote-o-rama:
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"The only reason the furry movement has grown so big on the Internet is because nobody has invented an effective method to punch people in the throat online. "Shame" is no longer in our vocabulary, and this lack of embarrassment has led to the exponential growth of groups who would otherwise be too humiliated to speak of their zebra cock-loving fantasies in public. Thank you very much, Internet!" -Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka "QuickTime. It's the Mac version of RealPlayer, which means not only is it crappy, but it is crappy and has a snotty attitude." -Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka "Before I continue let me explain something about women in porn in the early eighties as they compare to contemporary porn actresses. Women were just as beautiful then as they are now, but nowadays women are actually made for porn. Today there exists an entire species of surgically enhanced, shaved, oiled, and bleached women who naturally sprout tribal tattoos above their ass crack and form belly button piercings the same way a clam forms a pearl. These women inevitably soar to the heap of the porn pile. Back in the 1970s and 1980s women in porn were basically good looking women who were willing to fuck men on camera. Their vaginas were covered with thick (even by normal standards) mats of hair, their breasts were able to sag, their nipples could be too big or too small, and they didn't always have perfect rows of teeth. Porn has evolved to such an extent that these women have more in common with obscure 1920s pornographic photos than they do with today's startlets. Many people prefer this look to the sculpted and sterile porn of today, but it does have its downsides." -Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons "We here at Something Awful share a love/hate relationship with the good folks at Fark. It's not that we really hate Fark, it's just that we think the site is dumb, the people who post there are dumb, and the people who read it are dumb. It is in our professional opinion that the most pressing problem Fark users face each day is a pop quiz on U.S. capitols. I hope that this little section doesn't soil any diplomatic ties we have with Fark. In fact it's kind of like insulting a retard. They don't know what you're really saying but they're just happy you're talking to them. Everybody wins!" "In Japan, bishoujo games (aka hentai games) are so popular, at least 50 new titles are released each month." -J-List "I am the new Number Two. You are Number SUCKS." -Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons "The only thing worse than a Star Trek themed wedding is a Star Trek themed Honeymoon." -Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons "...Dr. Who, which played continuously for 75 years in England without commercial interruption." -Josh "Livestock" Boruff "To call something so tame, boring and conventional 'gothic' is an illustration of just how far our culture's standards have slipped. I'd imagine it takes every ounce of Peter Murphy's willpower just to get out of his coffin at dusk and face such a world." -Dr. David Thorpe, on Evanescence "Final Thoughts: Japan, we need to talk. I know you've had years and years to think about dick-girl porn, rape, tentacles, and giant clitorises, I just don't think the conclusion you have reached about it all is the same as the conclusion I have reached. Your conclusion appears to be that these things are all wonderful, erotic, and acceptable forms of entertainment. My conclusion is that all artists responsible for these games, everyone who buys the games, and all the clueless fatheads who e-mail me asking for the games should be herded into Hiroshima. The zombie corpse of Harry S. Truman, re-animated through Voodoo magic, can then re-drop the atomic bomb and turn all of you into shadows on concrete. If only the original atomic bombs had managed to hit only Hentai game designers instead of thousands of innocent, non-crazy non-perverts." "Better luck next time, and please pay me $5,000 since I suffered whiplash jolting my neck away from my monitor when your picture popped up." -Josh "Livestock" Boruff "What I don't get is why include all of the midgets in one scene? If I had been making this movie I would have sprinkled their miniature mirth throughout every shot. Actually, if I had been making this movie I would have intentionally overdosed on sleeping pills and then simultaneously hung and shot myself just to ensure I didn't have to film it." -Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons "What the hell is with the Japanese and their obsession with ocarinas? The only assholes to ever play an ocarina are retarded Zelda and/or anime fans with too much time and money on their hands. Do you see an ocarina seat at a concerto? Does the hottest new ocarina artist to ever come out of Philly have a new duet with Puffy? No, of course not, because ocarinas are the equivalent of kazoos for pasty-faced white virgins who want to be Japanese and have fucking anime wallpaper on their Lain sticker covered laptop." -Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons "This is a very delicate issue that can only be solved by me not caring about it." -Zachary "Spokker Jones" Gutierrez "On the internet there are two seperate and equally important groups, the porn makers who create smut, and the uptight mothers who are continually bitching about it. These are their stories." -Zachary "Spokker Jones" Gutierrez "(editor's note: we apologize to our overseas readers who may feel alienated by this article, but frankly, that's what you get for being a bunch of foreign savages)" -Ben "Greasnin" Platt "Forty years from now when the internet collapses in a giant implosion of stupidity I want to be able to say, 'I was there.'" -Zachary "Spokker Jones" Gutierrez * I have a gambling problem. * Drugs are a gambling solution. * I mean legal drugs like aspirin, gasoline, and model glue. * Okay, I mean heroin. -Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons "It took me over 6 hours to play through this game. If I live to be 80 - and that's really being generous with my lifespan - I will enjoy 700,800 hours of fresh air and beating heart. Thanks to this game I can now revise that number to under 700,794 and that is fucking inexcusable." -Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons "Here's a little hint for all you up and coming aspiring game developers out there: just because you've included a button which makes your character jump doesn't mean that us gamers necessarily enjoy pressing this button. There are many other non-jump buttons that human beings would prefer to smash instead of the 'jump' one, so perhaps you should entertain the idea of using these keys instead." -Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka "I've seen opium dens in 19th century Hong Kong with fewer suspicious characters than this particular grocery store." -Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons "No matter, it's not like a softcore porn movie devoted to honoring the holocaust needs to be particularly historically accurate." -Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons "The Nazis can't even cut through red tape in a sex-torture hospital." -Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons "Dale Earnhardt - aka NASCAR Jesus - is my favorite NASCAR driver because he died." -Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons "Back in the 1800s people used to sit around and talk for hours. You can try that if you're really desperate, but honestly after TV, the Internet, and ShavedSamoanGrannies.com you're not going to find a whole lot worth talking about with the dullards around you." -Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons "As if dressing up as a raccoon for sexual purposes wasn't retarded enough, now people can do that and play a retarded card game at the same time. If human beings can possibly sink to a lower level than this, then it's high time we collectively call it quits and go ahead and detonate all those unused nukes we were saving for a rainy day apocalypse." -Josh "Livestock" Boruff "At this point, I really don't think I could tell the difference between checking my e-mail and getting stuck in an elevator with science fiction writer Harlon Ellison. Both are intensely painful, grating, and soul-shattering experiences." "I would apologize for turning Something Awful into my own little LiveJournal about my dumb pets, but to be quite honest, this is the Internet and if you're expecting some cutting edge intelligent humor here, then you're sorely confused." -Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka "The final boss is a knight who throws beer mugs at you. It's one of those bizarre 'Is this ironic or just stupid?' moments that would probably make an internet hipster's giant head explode." -Jedidiah "Jed" Kirchner "...but thankfully the specifics of its use are left to the imagination. Normally I would assume my imagination could dream up worse things than what is actually going on but given the involvement of the Japanese I seriously doubt I have the creativity to trump them." -Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons "For those of you saying that I'm wrong in this brilliant theory, consider this: No I'm not." -Taylor "Psychosis" Bell "Now maybe I deserve some of this because I've been too lazy to upgrade from Windows ME, known worldwide as Windows 98's retarded cousin, but my XP-using friend had all of the same problems so XP can't be all that hot. Maybe I should install Linux instead, as that would make me inherently superior to all other life forms and make my cock grow to the size of a small fire truck." -Taylor "Psychosis" Bell "Speaking of things I like, this segue isn't one of them." "Fuck you, Imagineering Inc, for breaking the sacred bond of trust between gamers and developers that no more than 1/3 of a level will take place inside an air duct." "Video games have been proven as an effective means of turning people into soulless killing machines and can therefore be rated by how well they'll prepare you for trekking across a post-apocalyptic wasteland where you'll need these primal instincts to fashion makeshift clothing from the skins of mutant bikers." "No matter how much effort went into the interface it can't be saved thanks to what seems to be craziest fetishist on all of Geocities turned loose on the game's plot." "Were all the good game ideas used up in 1990, or did Nintendo just have an unplayable crap quota they had to fill every year?" "They want to play strip poker, but the girls want to bust out the ol' Ouija board. The compromise is strip Ouija, where the board tells them which article of clothing they have to remove. Honestly, that's probably the best idea in the entire movie. I don't think it's exactly what the Parker Brothers had in mind when they mass produced a conduit to the netherworld, but it's still a pretty decent compromise." "Enemies: It's the Olympics, so the only enemies are those damn communist Russians. But I don't know if I'd really want to pick a fight with the Russians. On one hand we have the most powerful army in the world, but on the other hand they have Zangief. It's a tough call." "It's our patriotic duty as god-fearing Americans to protect Israel because we know, in our heart of hearts, that if America was suddenly at war with Canada, the entire Israeli army would come to our aid within hours, assuming they have boats." "One glowing difference that separates Iraq from other rogue nations such as Iran or Texas is their leader, Saddam Hussein, who is simply the most evil man since Hitler or Satan or the guy who writes "Family Circus." Saddam Hussein, from what I can gather, is intensely evil because he has a silly mustache and encourages his citizens to burn American flags when they can't even afford to buy them." "Naturally, North Korea is the country we pay the least amount of attention to, despite the fact that they are constantly making the news on a daily basis by calling us mean names and claiming to nuke the entire planet unless we hand over Captain Planet and his inpet squad of Planeteers." [from Cliff Yablonski's new year's resolutions:] "2) BECOME THE CEO OF THE PTA - Before any of you assblasting nerdcenters once again whine, 'wah, but Cliff, you don't have any kids so you can't become the CEO of the PTA,' let me make one important point: SHUT THE FUCK UP." "Congrats on the date; I hope that a beautiful relationship completely devoid of Star Trek slash fiction will soon follow." "Sure, you won't get anything done, but that at least means you won't get anything stupid done." "I consider myself a pretty middle of the road person who happens to side more frequently with less-liberal Democrats than he does with more-liberal Republicans. For those of you who read that sentence and just got slightly annoyed with me; you are fucking retarded. The same goes out to anyone on any side of the political spectrum who thinks one party is pretty much always right and the other is pretty much always wrong. To me the 'middle of the road' represents reason and rationality, and the farther you go in any direction away from that road the closer you get to having a doctor put a helmet on you because you're so stupid you keep trying to stab your brain with a fork." "Do you understand how bad this game is? I would rather you eat bread made out of my flesh and blood than have to spend any more time playing the game." "I admit when I began reviewing Hentai games I greatly exaggerated my disgust at many of the scenarios. It's not that I found them arousing, it's that the Internet had me so jaded that creepy sex and cartoon rape just don't offend me anymore." "To anybody out there who is actually turned on by looking at blurry British broads who are all either now dead or rotting in a retirement home, I've got two words for you: porn newsgroups. I originally shortened that down from the three word phrase of "get a girlfriend" because that's far too unrealistic for anybody who runs a Dr. Who erotic fansite." "Driving in Chicago is similar to having sex with a mummy; you're probably going to get where you want eventually but it's incredibly abrasive and not at all pleasant." "I doubt anything like this has happened, but if you haven't noticed I'm so neurotic I make a Chihuahua undergoing KGB interrogation seem nonplussed by comparison." "The mob is more or less the Voltron of society. Each person, while unique, eventually sheds their individuality to become a faceless part of something greater. The mob is a vehicle for humans to get the job done, no matter what that job is. In most cases, mob formation is intended to help eradicate a threat, scare the holy crotch out of someone, or to build unity by giving many people a united voice, which is then used to spew delicious hate or anti-anti-mob propaganda." "Angry mob gatherings allow you to meet all kinds of folks with the same shared interests and hatreds. If being a part of the same angry mob as another person isn't a solid foundation to a lasting friendship, I don't know what is!" "The idea of a web log isn't new, and more often than not they are only successful in the hands of pretty girls who can attach their cutesy smiles and almost-nude webcam to their dull words." "As I said above, the basis of this website is to take a small number of jokes and drive them into the cold, cold ground." "Really though, I think the CD launcher is a beautiful idea because if I really hated someone I'd probably want to throw an Aerosmith CD or two at them, thus killing two birds with one 74-minute episode of aural sodomy." "Due to various circumstances, one being the fact that I am an idiot, I had gotten to sleep at about 5:30 AM and thusly was hitting the sleep doubly hard as usual. If sleep were a battered wife, I'd be some genetic recombination of OJ Simpson and Mike Tyson in a perpetual drunken rage." "...which you couldn't even predict with the help of John Edwards or Miss Cleo. Even if they made the sex and had a baby, their offspring wouldn't have enough clairvoyance to see these events coming, although the hideous creature would bring its own brand of horror into the world." "These were all incredibly exciting and wonderful concepts that were predicted to revolutionize the Internet industry just like how Dale Earnhardt revolutionized the "dying in a NASCAR race" industry." "One time I was walking home through the park and I saw a UFO in the sky with "GOODYEAR" written on it so I got home and wrote to Goodyear telling them unless they gave me fifty million bucks then their dirty little space secret was out. They never wrote back so now you know what they're up to and if you buy some of their tires you'll be funding Martian death fleets and guess who will be laughing when your corpse is frying like bacon on the hood of my Chrysler? Me, that's who. I'll be the one laughing, not the dead one. That will be you, you the dead guy, and me the one laughing. At you." -Cliff Yablonksi "Plus if you get radioactive and you're near an insect or animal, you gain the strengths of that particular creature. I guess that also means that the animal receives your weakest traits, so be on the lookout for lazy spiders or pumas that really suck at parallel parking." "America is the ultimate example of this. It absorbs these cultures, swallows them into its bloated girth, and regurgitates them onto the rest of the world; a soulless parrot god puking trends down the throat of Western Europe, shilling Big Macs in sub-Saharan Africa." "To tell the truth, I really had grand ambitions for this analogy but none of them materialized, and for that I apologize." "Actually, I really have no idea why anybody visits this site at all. I'm leaning towards the theory that a lot of you lost a lot of bets and had to come here as punishment." "So when you see a mummy wandering around, undoubtedly towards the nearest, most attractive woman, you're going to try to stop it. As an American, I consider it my civic duty to smash democracy into the gullet of any theocratic undead monstrosity I see. And so should you, provided you're an American. If you aren't American, contact your government and ask them their policy on mummies." "But choosing where to live isn't like choosing a store that has the best discount liquor at low, low prices. Selecting a home is a long-term commitment, like murdering a man but less illegal. Unless you murder a man and take his house. Then it's just as illegal." "Now I don't like to make sweeping generalizations, but everybody in the Internet ad industry is a retarded lump of rotting roadkill. Their solution to any problem is to 'become more annoying.'" "Now I know that it's terribly clichéd of me to write something along the lines of 'oh, the Internet was much better five years ago' since that's the type of thing only Star Wars fans and critics of this site say..." "As time progresses, Internet ads grow more obnoxious and tiresome while simultaneously generating exponentially less income for the people running them. Webmasters live in a failed environment, a world that is rapidly traveling into the sun, and nobody anywhere has any answers. In the meantime, everybody aboard is burning alive and looking for a way out." "Most English slang is the equivalent of the blank tile in Scrabble; it's a wildcard that can be substituted for absolutely anything whatsoever, and it usually is." "The only way to stop a Bigfoot is to beat it in a race around the world. First one to reach Luxembourg wins, and winning will instantly crush the beast. Well, his spirits anyway. Those damn cocky bigfoots need to be put in their place." "However, I don't think I need to point out how terribly excited I was when I received this glorious email message today. I felt like a kid in a toy store... only the toy store is full of delicious candy! And it's on Mars! And the kid has X-ray vision. I felt that my calling in life had finally manifested itself in the inbox of my soul, sending bytes of digital hope to the CD burner in my brain and allowing my SCSI drive of my colon to burn a CD-ROM of joy. In other words, I was drunk while writing this." "I don't want the cops knowing about my website or they won't bother looking for my corpse." "You see, a human being's intelligence level is inversely proportional to their fashion sense. This is why you never see Playboy models working on cold fusion projects or Carl Sagan doing strip shows. Well, that and the fact that he's been dead for over half a decade." "Wait, I just reread this whole article and I am a fucking moron. Oh well, I may be a moron but I make up for it by being too lazy to start this article over from scratch and not make an ass of myself." "Nothing says 'I want to defile you' like a set of extremely risqué lingerie." "Shiny things impress the ladies, I know this from a long history of trading trinkets to the Native Americans for vast tracts of land, and Native Americans are basically like ladies only bigger. From my dealings that went awry I know that you must carefully choose the jewelry or you'll end up with some serious tomahawk wounds to the head and neck." "This page just goes to show that it doesn't matter if you're male, female, trans, or furrie: celebrity worship pages are still scary and creepy. And no matter how unattractive or untalented you are, somebody out there wants to knock you up. Or have your baby. Or your werewolf. Or all three, in a four-way with a panda and an alien with fifty tentacles." "That's how Scientologists operate. They are like really pushy and persistent vampires, who constantly try to infect people with their special brand of cash vampirism. Sites like "Operation: Clambake" and news groups like 'alt.religion.scientology' are the Van Helsing to Scientology's Dracula. And L. Ron Hubbard was like those two hot vampire women who were getting all sexy with Keanu Reeves and then Dracula came in and fed them a baby. And Dracula is Xenu, I think. Shit, I've confused myself again." "They also like to tell you about how good various products are. Even when talking about the ones you can tell they think suck, this site still reads like ad copy for morons by morons. They rattle off product information like they're reciting a press release while a crazy Vietnamese guy holds a pistol to their temple." "Helllooooo ladies! Keith is an eligible bachelor looking for Miss Right! Unfortunately Keith has the grammar skills of a 14-year old AOLer, as well as a page to match." "Once again, let us all thank the Internet for not only allowing things like this to exist, but actually encouraging them and uniting together all the messed up freakjobs who would normally only meet inside prison! Thank you very much, Internet!" "The whole site is like some Ritalin-deprived disaster area." "No, I fear stalkers. Celebrity stalkers. Even though I'm not a celebrity. I'm also not an early 20th century archaeologist and I'm still afraid of fucking mummies so back up the rationality train because it doesn't belong in my station." "Also, I believe most programming executives at the various networks constantly trip on LSD and have never met another human being, preferring to make their programming decisions based not on demographics, but on the opinions of the talking phosphorescent lichen that populates their horrifying hallucinations inside their cave hideout." "I like how the site encourages horizontal scrolling, a characteristic that makes sites these days seem to lack, probably for a good reason. This site absolutely boggles my mind, like that once scene from "House" where the guy fought the embalmed fish on the wall." "Everybody loves fan fiction! How could you not?! It's taking celebrities or characters and placing them in incredibly retarded situations or just placing them in a scenario with the author of the story so he or she doesn't feel the crushing emptiness of their life quite so much." "Think back to the times when you were a child and woke up on Christmas morning. Do you remember the feeling you would experience when rushing down the steps and laying eyes on all the festive and large gifts wrapped with your name written across them? Do you remember how fast your heart started beating, the sheer happiness you experienced, and the tingling sensation that ran down your back? Now think back to the time when you opened the first gift and realized that it was one of the most retarded presents ever, like a bunch of tubesocks or an educational puzzle. This Flash movie is the equivalent to experiencing that while simultaneously having an adult mule kick you in your genitalia." "I lost all respect for zombies when I was a kid. I caught my dad making out with one on the couch. Oh calm down, it was a girl zombie." "The room was practically crackling with really fucking stupid erotic energy." "Taking away guns and trying to convince your children that guns don't exist won't stop the violence in the United States. If someone can't shoot you with a gun they will shoot you with a knife, if you take away the knife they will shoot you with a truncheon, and so on until people are being shot in the streets with pillows and kittens." "Now I've never professed to being an English scholar, but you'll notice that I have never tried to speak a foreign language like Japanese or Canadian on this page. Why? Because I would fail and my site would look like I slipped and knocked over the Babelfish webserver. Stick to your native language, folks; bad translations are for Japanese videogames, not Internet pictures." "The human body is an incredible machine. To best understand how it works, it helps to think of it as a car with flesh and eyeballs and hair. Now this car needs fuel to go anywhere, and it can only accept certain types of fuel. This fuel is provided by large metal blocks with pumps that are shoved into a certain orifice. When the car is being fueled, it has to be turned off or else an Arab guy will yell at you and switch off the pump. Also, you're not supposed to smoke while fueling either, which is yet another reason to quit right now. So, as you can see, the body is a lot like a car, at least in the sense that it isn't anything like a car because it has more flesh and eyeballs and hair, which was my original point." "Like a case of full blown AIDS, 'Gran Turismo 3' will destroy your life." "The mere title of this page provides us with enough information to instantly assume the following: 1) The webmaster has suffered a critical series of life-threatening blows to the skull with a fireaxe, 2) The webmaster has mistaken his keyboard as a flyswatter and has been smashing it against nearby walls and tables, thereby accidentally creating this page, 3) There is, in fact, no God." "Russia and China basically denounce ANYTHING the US wants to do, regardless of worldwide impact or function. They're like the two cranky aunts your parent made you stay with when they both simultaneously went out of town to cheat on each other. Er, the parents being the ones who went out of town, not the aunts. If your aunts were cheating on each other, I think you've got bigger problems than worrying about what Russia thinks of you." "This resounding support for the National Missile Defense System has caused other groups to adopt similar strategies, such as MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving), which is now creating 'Drunkard Unit Interceptors' (DUIs) to cut down on the number of alcohol-related accidents. They hand pick a selection of college students, buy them each a 12-pack of Milwaukee's finest, and wait for them to get completely loaded. Once the college student begins talking about 'how really fucking talented Dave Matthews is,' they are carried off and shoved into a 1989 Honda CRX. These students then take off, hunting down drunk drivers and attempting to ram their car into them before the enemy drunk driver can hit an innocent civilian minivan. Tests have not been encouraging so far, as the students appear to mistake large trees and trash dumpsters as 'drunk drivers.' I think the main obstacle is keeping the DUIs from 'rocking out' to The Grateful Dead every time they get in the car." "To make the best omelet you have to tie a few eggs to a post and flay them in front of the villagers." "If you have any complaints, you should feel free to email them to Andrew Stine, who will more than willingly laugh at them and subscribe you to a Hello Kitty mailing list." "The key to any successful online RPG lies in the fact that it merely exists; you're marketing the game to a demographic that will buy any goddamn thing with elves in it." "The sheriff proceeds to go on a tirade, saying such fabulous quotes as, 'Ahhhhhhhh, you kids! You kids get my goat! I remember both of you from high school! Troublemakers!' Matt tries to stick up for them by replying, 'but we're not in high school anymore!' to which the sheriff cleverly replies, 'Well maybe you should be! Ahhhhhhhhh!' Folks, you can't write dialogue like this. I think it's illegal." -review of _Troll 3_ "IM NOT INTRESTED IN PROMOTING YUOR AGENDA SIR" -JeffK's Levelord interview "You'd think that 300-year-old robot suits would be in pretty bad shape by now, but that's just because you're dumb. Ancient robot suits, just like ancient swords, ancient pyramids, and Bob Dole, are super-strong and impervious to laser beams and nuclear explosions." -the ROM Pit review of "Gundam Wing: Endless Duel" "Knowing that a lot of people across the world with Geocities sites absolutely despise me is about the only thing that can add a positive spin to this situation." "Life is not a Steven Spielberg movie. You will never meet a magic alien that will cause your bicycle to crash land on the moon or discover a buried pirate ship in a secret underground cave. Instead, you will only scrape your knee on a broken piece of wood and make awkward passes at girls who totally despise you." "To be honest, I sort of liked the theme song, but as I'm writing this review I'm listening to a full orchestral version of the Super Mario Brothers theme, so I may not the best person to be judging music." "If this whole novel thing doesn't work out, I am pretty sure I can just learn Japanese and go script episodes of 'Gundam Wing' or 'Dragonball Z.' If anything, I am overqualified for that position." "Of course I'd hate to make a cheap joke based off human death, pain, and suffering, but this news item is simply too important to pass up. Also I'm kind of an idiot and these kinds of tasteless articles are the only crap I know how to write short of 120-page dissertations on why I want to buy a robot monkey bartender. Besides, this site is named "Something Awful," so you knew full well what you were getting yourself into when you clicked the link to come here. Don't blame me - blame society. Nah, society doesn't run a half-assed, moronic webpage. Blame me." "okay you just keep not knowing you sexy smart piece of fucking worthless shit" -the drunken horror banner "I'm not exactly sure why Dean Koontz is convinced that the world's economy revolves around mutating people into a cross between Ted Bundy and a panther, but hey, it's not my place to question writers who earn more money in one day than I'll ever see my entire life. Maybe it has something to do with NAFTA." "Uh... I think I've said too much." "I think I spot a reoccurring theme with you." "After I had slowly finished weeping and praying for death that night, my mind naturally progressed to thinking about this website, which often causes the same effect." "I mean, it's not like they give webpages to just anybody. Think how big a cesspit the Internet would be if any random slackjawed cretin could sign up and instantly get webspace!: "Things like this make me wonder if the Japanese have some sort of special inner eyelid (like a shark or Mr. Spock) that can open and close really fast to compensate for the blinding strobe effect that 90% of their cartoons and video games employ." "The story starts off fairly foreboding and spooky, which is just how I like my women." "For God's sake, this kind of money is ridiculous! Many people hate baseball because the players get paid so much while schoolteachers and carpet salesmen make paltry sums of cash, but I don't give a rat's ass where the cash goes as long as it's not to somebody who earns a living by throwing a ball. I would have no problem if the New York Yankees simply bought a wheelbarrow, hauled out a couple million dollars every game, and proceeded to light it on fire while flipping the middle finger to the cameras and crowd. I would love to see that. I would pay money to see that. However, knowing that such an ungodly amount of cash is going to BASEBALL PLAYERS just makes me sicker than a dog who just found "dinner" in a hospital bedpan. I can't even attend a general admission game anymore because the tickets are over $25. The sheer boredom of baseball gave people reason enough to stop attending games; having to take out a second mortgage just to purchase a single ticket is going to make it even worse. Screw baseball and the cash cow it rode in on." "The lesson here is that when dealing with loopy sci-fi like Star Trek lazy really is better. I always watched it assuming that any plot holes could be easily filled in by robots. Handicapable transporter? Robots. Holodeck? Robots. The Robots? Robots. It makes watching this crap a whole lot more fun." "I graduated from the University of Geocities! I majored in 'Enabling the Community!'" "Today's incredible tale revolves around the exciting antics of the 1980's superhero team the SilverHawks, who fight for justice and truth by dipping themselves in metal and beating up on a guy flying around in a giant squid spaceship. Hey, I didn't make up the cartoon, I just write about it." "I dare you to find one example proving me otherwise. If you can, don't bother emailing me about it, because I really don't care at this point."
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