Quote-o-rama:
The Big Television File: E-MSee also:
"Any resemblance between what you're watching right now and a wrestling match is pretty much coincidental." -Joey Styles, ECW "I'm just the character in the movie that tells it like it is. I'm Janeane Garofalo." -Mike, _Ed_ [The Thing, in the middle of an argument, is unwittingly flying towards a giant fireball.] Human Torch: Ben watch out! The Thing: No, _you_ watch out! _Fantastic Four_ "Only on Fear Factor do you cheer because you only have to eat three roaches." _Fear Factor_ "You don't own a TV? What's all your furniture pointed at?" -Joey, _Friends_ "There are times when the only choices you have left are bad ones." -Broyles, _Fringe_ "When you open your mind to the impossible, sometimes you find the truth." -Dr. Walter Bishop, _Fringe_ "There ain't no left or right when it comes to making money." -Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex_ "Well, congratulations. Normally you dress like a fantasy of a perverted Japanese business man with a very dark specific fetish but I actually dig this look. Yay." -Santana, _Glee_ "Mrs. Claus, Christmas isn't about destroying your enemies and taking over the world with a vampire army..." -Billy, _Billy and Mandy Save Christmas_ "Come on Mandy. I always wanted to save Christmas with a vampire sidekick!" -Grim, _Billy and Mandy Save Christmas_ "Looks like I picked the wrong place to start being sick of zombies." -Grim, _The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy_ "You're not invisible, you twit. You're just naked." -Grim, _The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy_ "Sometimes our best friends are people we really don't like." -Billy, _The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy_ "So remember, kids: don't be afraid of failure - it's what keeps family together! _The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy_ "Never forget how beautiful the Earth looks from afar." -Minister Dorlan, _Gundam Wing_ "The blood and tears they shed in battle are merely ceremonial." _Gundam Wing_ "I welcome you with my heart, dear messenger of peace." -Treize Khushrenada to Heero Yuy, _Gundam Wing_ "I'll just have to prove to them they've seriously underestimated the value of my life." -Zechs Mequise, _Gundam Wing_ "Poor relics from the ancient past, let this new age baptize you all." _Gundam Wing_ Hannity: We continue now on _Hannity and Colmes_ with the host of _The Daily Show_, Jon Stewart with us. I know this is an insane attempt of mine. But I'm going to ask you, try and get a serious answer. Are you liberal or conservative, or do you even care? Stewart: I don't care. I mean, I'm not exactly sure if those paradigms even hold true anymore. The gay marriage thing scared me, but that's only because I thought at first it was mandatory. Now that I realize that it's only people that are gay, I'm much more confident. I mean, I don't really know. I think I take it particularly. In terms of being a pacifist, I'm not - I was a big fan of the Afghanistan war. As a matter of fact, I'd like to go in again. Invade them again. But the Iraq war, probably not so much. So I don't know where I fit in. All I know is at night I come home, I play the video games and I try not to talk to anybody. _Hannity and Colmes_ "I left the Super Friends because they were always pairin' me up with a white superhero, like I was gonna start super-lootin' the minute their backs were turned! And do you think I wanted to call myself Black Vulcan? Hell, no! Black Vulcan was Aquaman's idea, and I'm thinking... Well, why don't we just call you White Fish?" -Black Vulcan, _Harvey Birdman_ "...I consider myself a benevolent-ish dictator..." -the Boss, _Harvey Birdman_ "I've been a cop for a long time. And drugs out there, we're never gonna win that. There's a hundred open-air drug markets in this city and fifty thousand drug fiends out there. And we are taking on human desires with lawyers, and jailhouses, and lockups, and you and I both know human desire is kicking us in the ass." -Lewis, _Homicide_ "Say Baltimore, and I'll tell you within ten blocks where you were born. Yeah, you from here. You got that home grown look. The not-too-southern, not-too-northern, not on the ocean but still on the water look. With maybe a touch of inbreeding." -Tucker, _Homicide_ "Baltimore, home of the misdemeanor homicide." -Lewis, _Homicide_ Howard: Your wife is from a place called Boring? Felton: And you wonder why we're in counseling. _Homicide_ "Murderers lie 'cause they got to, witnesses lie 'cause they think they got to, and everybody else lies for the sheer joy of it." -Meldrick, _Homicide_ "The only thing I have in common with Judaism is we both don't like to work on Saturdays." -Munch, _Homicide_ "...I shoved her head first into the high speed blender of justice." -Danvers, _Homicide_ Stan: How come every time I open that refrigerator, there's one drop of milk left in the carton? So who has to go to the 7-11 and replace the carton of milk? Munch: Me. Stan: That's besides the point. He's doing that on my behalf. He could be doing something else for me. _Homicide_ "You know, sometimes you're funny. Then there's now." -Pembleton, _Homicide_ "Bayliss, Bayliss, Bayliss, we're here about death, not about life." -Pembleton, _Homicide_ "I know what to do with a dead body. I do NOT know what to do with a live baby." -Stan, _Homicide_ "I'm upset because every relationship I think I have is not the relationship I actually have." -Munch, _Homicide_ Cox: Don't you even wonder why? Munch: Why what? Cox: Why he lied. Munch: I'm a homicide detective. The only time I wonder why is when they tell me the truth. _Homicide_ Dr. Wilson: Have you ever consider channeling your powers to, I don't know, bring peace to the Mid-East? House: I couldn't do that. Dr. Wilson: But if they ever got it, you could screw it up. House: Yeah, that's more where my powers lie. _House_ House: So what did she say? Wilson: That depends. What did you do, and who are we talking about? _House_ "Sign this so I can take out a piece of your brain." _House_ Cameron: Why would you need $5,000? Chase: Bad night at poker or great night with a hooker. House: Thank you for saving me the trouble of deflecting that personal question with a joke. _House_ House: Get me out of this [dinner] and I'll tell you who started the rumor about you being a transsexual. Dr. Cuddy: There is no such rumor. House: There will be... unless you get me out of this dinner. _House_ "I'm not saying anything until the metaphor plays itself out." _House_ "It takes a criminal mastermind to pull off a heist from an unlocked, unguarded room down the hall." _House_ Thirteen: You catch her lying? House: Not yet. Thirteen: Wouldn't "no" have been a shorter answer? House: Wouldn't you not talking make this a shorter conversation? _House_ "Oh man, Johnny Depp is my dawg. When I grow up, I want to be Johnny Depp." -Will Smith, _I Love the '90s_ "I guess [Mo Rocca] does look a little like Waldo, although Waldo was never a 'media gadfly' [Expletive] pompus ass, let's see, 'Where's Media Gadfly?' let me look, no thank you." -Michael Ian Black _I Love the '90s_ "I could give a rat's ass where Waldo is." -Rachel, _I Love the '90s_ "_Clueless_ could be enjoyed by both woman and gay men." _I Love the '90s_ "People love... things. Sometimes it's anorexic lawyers, sometimes it's dancing babies." -Hal Sparks, _I Love the '90s_ "Any movie with a pubescent Brooke Shields getting it on is great in my book. Granted, I went to film school." -Michael Ian Black, _I Love the '80s Strikes Back_ "I think that Christine was scarier. A dog gets rabies, you just shoot it. I don't know what you do with a devil-possesed car." -Hal Sparks, _I Love the '80s Strikes Back_ "I was free-basing Chicken McNuggets all through the '80s." -Mo Rocca, _I Love the '80s Strikes Back_ "I don't remember introducing Rick Schroeder to Billy Idol, but then again, I don't remember a lot of things from that year." -Corey Feldman, _I Love the '80s Strikes Back_ "Did I become a drug addict because of it? Yes! I blame _Less Than Zero._" -Corey Feldman, _I Love the '80s Strikes Back_ [on _Return of the Jedi_] "Lucas says that he planned out all these stories from the very beginning, so why are they kissing in the first one? It's gross. Why in the first poster of Star Wars is she clinging to his leg, like an inch and a half from his crank, and then two years later it's his sister. Eww." -Hal Sparks, _I Love the '80s_ "Give me short skirts, give me roller skates, give me Xanadu. I'm a happy man." -Michael Ian Black, _I Love the '80s_ "At my high school, all the kids who liked The Who were jocks, and all the kids who liked Led Zepplin were the, you know, pot-smoking, acid-taking, _Hobbit_-reading groove monkeys." -Greg Proops, _I Love the '70s_ "...You quit being banished?" _Invader Zim_ "It's not stupid. It's _advanced._" _Invader Zim_ "It's over, TAK! The Earth is mine to devastate! And I already promised the Moon to GIR." _Invader Zim_ Zim: ...And what is this plan? [Tak giggles.] Zim: Yes, yes, I'm a master of comedy. Now tell me this plan... _Invader Zim_ "Shut your noise tube, taco human!" _Invader Zim_ "This is terrible! My dark side has gone over to the dark side!" _Jackie Chan Adventures_ "You couldn't score in a monkey whorehouse with a bag of bananas." _Just Shoot Me_ "...because an angry drag queen is scarier than a minotaur." -Buddy, _Kids in the Hall_ Kim: Do you know what I really hate? Shego: That your date melted? _Kim Possible: So the Drama_ "OK, well, I have no idea what just happened. But I'm clearly not cut out to help people make life choices." _Kim Possible_ "Army of evil snowmen! Man, I always knew that's what would get me." -Ron, _Kim Possible_ [discussing a school dance.] Ron: Well, we always go together. Kim: Yeaahh... But that's as, y'know, friends. And, this time, I was thinking about lining up a... Y'know... Ron: An enemy? _Kim Possible_ "OK, let's get 'Operation Too Complicated To Actually Work' under way." -Shego, _Kim Possible_ Ron: Kim, Drakken's in jail. Christmas was saved! What's the big? Kim: Okay, first of all -- he was not. Trying. To steal. Christmas! _Kim Possible_ [Giant robot rips a tank in half.] "That would be so cool if it wasn't gonna hurt us." -Ron, _Kim Possible_ "An imitation clone? I hate it when the villians cut corners." -Ron, _Kim Possible_ "You don't _deserve_ to be kissed by a naked mole rat." -Ron, _Kim Possible_ "Time travel - it's a cornucopia of disturbing concepts." -Ron, _Kim Possible: A Sitch in Time_ "I'm working with a man named Monkey Fist. My evil career is so in the toilet!" -Shego, _Kim Possible: A Sitch in Time_ "Now Kim, you know I don't approve of violence. But they _are_ deadly robots..." -Dr. Possible, _Kim Possible_ "This isn't about a boy, this is about Ron." -Kim _Kim Possible_ Shego: Your sidekick bought you a _squad_? Kim: Uh, yeah. Shego: Man, I _am_ on the wrong side. _Kim Possible_ "I can't believe you stole my money _and_ my peeps." -Ron, _Kim Possible_ "Why did she have to be a cheerleader? If she'd been on the debate team, I would have vaporized her by now." -Dr. Drakken, _Kim Possible_ [Giant robot flamingo crashed through the wall.] "That's the second biggest flamingo I have ever seen!" -Ron, _Kim Possible_ "Uh, you people are *so* weird." -Bonnie, _Kim Possible_ [finding the Go Team in the kitchen.] Dad: Kimberly Anne Possible! Kim: Hi Dad! Dad: You _know_ how I feel about circus people... _Kim Possible_ "Why is it always monkeys? Why can't I ever be attacked by crazed supermodels?" -Ron, _Kim Possible_ "Hold my naked mole rat, boys. I'm going in." -Ron, _Kim Possible_ "No touchee my monkey!" -Shego, _Kim Possible: A Sitch in Time_ "Son, you're teasin' the gorilla in the monkey house." _King of the Hill_ Thomasina: I give my life to protect this family. I expect to lose it doing the same. Jack: Why? We're all a bunch of conniving cowards, hording over a carcass. Thomasina: At your worst, yes. At your best, you bring heaven closer to earth. _Kings_ "Well Paul, it's finally happened. The show is starting to look like a Spanish gameshow." -David Letterman "There are wolves in the world. Sometimes they're the good guys." _Leverage_ "That's the problem with that green Kryptonite, it always ticked him off." -Bill Church Jr., _Lois and Clark_ "I ask for no forgiveness father, for I have not sinned. I only did what I had to do to survive. A small boy asked me once if I was a bad man. If I could answer him now, I would tell him that when I was his age, I killed a man to save my brother. I am not sorry for this. I am proud of this. I was not asked for the life that I was given, but it was given nonetheless, and with it, I did my best." -Eko, _Lost_ "Look at Mr. Eko. No hesitation. A born killer." _Lost_ Jack: Do you know how to use a gun? Sawyer: Well there's one polar bear that seems to think so. _Lost_ "I have looked into the eye of this island, and what I saw... was beautiful." -Locke, _Lost_ Walt: We should get Mr. Locke. Hurley: Locke's out in the jungle killing stuff. _Lost_ Jack: Stop! Her heads not tilt back enough, you're blowing air into her stomach. Boone: Are you sure? That what exactly what I was doing. I'm a lifeguard, I'm licensed. Jack: Yeah, well you seriously need to think about giving that license back. _Lost_ "I'm alone now. I'm on the island alone. Please, someone, come. The others, they're dead. It killed them. It killed them all." _Lost_ Hurley: Was it a dinosaur? Jack: It wasn't a dinosaur. Hurley: If you didn't see it, how do you know it wasn't a dinosaur? Jack: Dinosaurs are extinct. _Lost_ "Let's show these alien slimeballs how we do things in Jersey." _Megas XLR_ [exploring an alien world.] Coop: I wonder what those tower things are. Jaime: Uh, buildings? _Megas XLR_ Jamie: That's too big to be a donut. Coop: You can never have too big a donut. _Megas XLR_ "Chicks dig giant robots." -Jamie, _Megas XLR_ "I must admit, your strategies are strange. And cunning. But mostly strange." -Gorrath, _Megas XLR_ Coop: Alright, you intergalactic snots! You busted up my car show! Jamie: Yeah! Coop: You wrecked my friends' rides! Jamie: Yeah! Coop: And! You made me run half a block! Jamie: Yeah! ...uh, half a block? Coop: Now it's payback time! _Megas XLR_ Guy Goddard: I knew the Candle faked his death. It was the only way he could shake my tail. The Middleman: Sheer elegance in its simplicity. Guy: Bad guys still say that? The Middleman: Like a broken record. _The Middleman_ "Louis, I would never hit a man in a dress unless I'd exhausted all other options." _The Middleman_ Middleman: You might find what I'm about to tell you shocking, given my knowledge of aliens, monsters, and androids, but I do have one area of weakness. Wendy: Brevity? _The Middleman_ "Our mandate is to protect the people from threats infra-, extra-, and juxta-terrestial, not to become consumed with the mundane problems of everyday life." _The Middleman_ The Middleman: CIA, NSA, Interpol, local police. They tend to ignore the important things so we keep an ear to their frequencies for anything that might require our 'special touch.' Wendy: Just how much 'special touching' do we do? The Middleman: Remember the mutant lama invasion of '06? The second Werewolf Administration? The Day Without Wheat? Wendy: Wait. The *second* Werewolf Administration? The Middleman: Vigilance is the name of the game. _The Middleman_ Wendy: It's like Bruce Lee coming back from the dead. Ida: And beating you with his own coffin. _The Middleman_ "It is a gift Carl Fabergé was about to present to Czar Nicholas before a Middleman spirited him out of Russia to work on the lens system for the Great Steam Laser of 1917." _The Middleman_ "I'm not gonna lie to you, Dubbie. The tailgate party's about to begin and we have a 10' manure hoagie on our hands." _The Middleman_ Disher: Could be a serial killer. He's killing people according to their phobias. This guy was afraid of heights so he pushed him off the roof. Monk: Augie wasn't afraid of heights. He was afraid of spiders. Disher: That's different. It's killing people using the opposite of their phobias. The Opposite Killer. Stottlemeyer: So you're saying the opposite of a spider is a tall building? Disher: What do you think the opposite of a spider is? Stottlemeyer: I have no idea, but it's not a tall building. Disher: Hmm, tell that to the Opposite Killer. Natalie: Are you crying? Stottlemeyer: No, I have allergies. _Monk_ Jack: Are you human, or what? Monk: I'm human... enough. _Monk_ "Let's keep our reverse-liposuction theory to ourselves. Okay, Randy?" -Stottlemeyer, _Monk_ Miranda St. Claire: I'm told you're germophobic, afraid of the dark, heights, crowds, and milk. Sharona: We're working on the milk. _Monk_ "Stop calling me the prince of darkness, that's how rumors get started." _Monk_ Monk: I want an explanation, and I want the truth! Jack: OK, which do you want first? _Monk_ "In accordance with our principles of free enterprise and healthy competition, I'm going to ask you two to fight to the death for it." -Monty Python "The Flea thinks we should fight Giant Robotic Walking Donut Shop... _with_ Giant Robotic Walking Donut Shop!" -the Flea, _Mucha Lucha_ "Do you not see the revengeful anger of Mr. Fishy Fish?!" -the Flea, _Mucha Lucha_ "Now go show that dishonorable fish what a true luchadore can do!" -Buena Girl, _Mucha Lucha_ Buena Girl: What's wrong with the Flea? Ricochet: What's *right* with the Flea? _Mucha Lucha_ "Well, those of us blessed with perfection sometimes downplay our traits with terrible hygine." _My Gym Partner Is A Monkey_ "Crow, how could you make a deal with the Devil?!" "How could I _not_ with these prices!" _Mystery Science Theatre 3000_ "Shut your piehole Crow! We've got bigger things to worry about." -Tom Servo, _Mystery Science Theatre 3000_ "Maybe a Dauphin of Posture, if you will..." "I was thinking I could just marry into posture." -Tom and Crow, _Mystery Science Theatre 3000_
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